tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43775561581538265072024-03-12T23:52:30.663-04:00The Duck 'N Cover DigestAn eclectic collection of streams-of-consciousness that encapsulate the embittered alienation of a civil servant.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-69982435641479613582008-10-16T12:58:00.002-04:002008-10-16T12:59:10.321-04:00Today's SurprisesUnicorns are real, and it took no less than 30 minutes for somebody to discover that eating their shit will prolong your life.<br /><br />The pieces to IKEA furniture are actually excreted by a sentient space lobster named “Flarfen” who is starting to wonder if he will ever get to meet the President of the United States of America.<br /><br />Paul Gross’s first draft of Passchendaele was actually a 5-minute, $100,000 budget vignette where he lined up approximately 150 chimpanzees in a muddy field and proceeded to gun them down with a Vickers Machine Gun. The studios demanded a love-story be included.<br /><br />Jerry O’Connell finally slid into a dimension where he could find work.<br /><br />The Toyota Highlander is, regrettably, not immortal. It’s just a hybrid.<br /><br />Indie alternate-punk band <span style="font-style: italic;">The Fizzlepigs</span> do not, in fact, exist.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-66020018584860856152008-10-15T12:25:00.001-04:002008-10-15T15:39:00.528-04:00Cliff Notes for Science!<span style="font-weight: bold;">String Theory</span><br /><br />The whole world is held together by teeny-tiny strings that are so small you can’t even see them through a microscope. When these strings are tugged at, it can create a black hole in the fabric of the universe.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Global Warming</span><br /><br />Global warming happens every year for about six months before it starts to get colder again. Despite what the politicians say, it does not affect everybody negatively. For example, when global warming makes things hotter in North America, it makes things cooler in Australia.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tides</span><br /><br />The ocean water rises and falls because there are trace amounts of iron in the water that are attracted to the magnetic pull of the Moon.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Absolute Zero</span><br /><br />Absolute zero is the lowest possible zero, first discovered by Ancient Egyptians before they figured out fractions.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">E=MC^2 </span><br /><br />Albert Einstein was the smartest guy in the world. Even after he died, nobody could ever figure out what the significance of this equation was. Some say it’s the secret to time-travel. The Russians had their own secret version of this equation during the cold war. Fun fact: People were writing E=MC^2 so much, that it led to the invention of superscript.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">F=MA</span><br /><br />A measure by which Ministers determine the quality of their sermons, as faith is equal to the size of one’s congregation (mass) multiplied by their attendance.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Power Generation</span><br /><br />While power produced from the movement of electrons has high energy costs, power produced from neutrons is usually free of charge.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Periodic Table of Elements</span><br /><br />The are five elements on the periodic table. Fire, Earth, Wind, Water and Heart. Some also argue that Leeloo is the fifth element.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-12555401625191006592008-10-14T19:52:00.005-04:002008-10-14T20:08:33.030-04:00Original CartoonI decided I didn't think today's entry was funny enough, so at the last minute I pulled it and will instead use this cartoon -- my first to ever see newsprint.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SPU0JDbhdPI/AAAAAAAAAFY/jBm4NAAzQoU/s1600-h/rmse.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SPU0JDbhdPI/AAAAAAAAAFY/jBm4NAAzQoU/s400/rmse.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5257165470169134322" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Again, apologies for the low resolution. Click to enlarge.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-89448194361917776762008-10-10T15:16:00.003-04:002008-10-10T17:59:50.991-04:00My Dream Job<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SO-qQonHL7I/AAAAAAAAAFQ/USjYLtBE38I/s1600-h/SCAN0002.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SO-qQonHL7I/AAAAAAAAAFQ/USjYLtBE38I/s400/SCAN0002.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5255606492920754098" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I wasn't the most normal 10-year old.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-15670138711910805512008-10-09T11:44:00.001-04:002008-10-09T11:45:46.896-04:00Original Cartoon<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SO4nHHGw6BI/AAAAAAAAAFI/oksG6sbJKZU/s1600-h/sgm.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SO4nHHGw6BI/AAAAAAAAAFI/oksG6sbJKZU/s400/sgm.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5255180818307934226" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Apologies for the low-resolution. Many Bothans died to bring you this cartoon.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-64487844190722792342008-10-08T12:05:00.003-04:002008-10-08T12:09:33.511-04:00Poetry Slam<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >5 Years Old</span><br /><br />Exxon Valdez.<br /> Nine-Eleven. YouTube.<br /> Baconater. Bre-X. Battlefield Earth.<br /> Two Girls.<br /> One Cup.<br />I will grow up in an age without heroes.<br /> Except Spiderman.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >10 Years Old</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><br />Watching Who’s The Boss<br />Samantha makes my pants stir.<br />Ay-oh. Oh-ay.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >15 Years Old</span><br /><br />u r pwnzrd n00b<br />fag<br />I am so alone.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >20 Years Old</span><br /><br />In every university,<br />There's a special prof,<br />With whom you will develop<br />A timeless bond.<br />There will come a special time<br />that you’ll think<br />way back and say "That teacher<br />really cared!"<br />So why doesn’t the bitch keep office hours?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >25 Years Old</span><br /><br />Tappada-tappada-tappada.<br />Tappada-click-tappada.<br />Click-tappada-tappada.<br />Click-tappada-click.<br />Tappada-tappada-click.<br />Click-click-click.<br />Was it a pretty day?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Breaking The Fourth Wall</span><br /><br />Hey you.<br />Read this poem.<br />You obey me.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Dog</span><br /><br />It’s dinner time.<br />It’s dinner time.<br />It’s dinner time.<br />Blood kill death.<br />Shut up and look at him for lamb.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Donkey Berlin</span><br /><br />Donkey-Hitler is in his bunker.<br />Bites the cyanide capsule and descends.<br />Into Satan’s ass-hole.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-55859236133231300922008-10-06T11:48:00.003-04:002008-10-06T11:51:58.160-04:00Predictive Models of Comments Attached to CBC News Articles<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOozdgEfGZI/AAAAAAAAAFA/c3sFxUj-Ayo/s1600-h/CBC+Comments2.png"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOozdgEfGZI/AAAAAAAAAFA/c3sFxUj-Ayo/s400/CBC+Comments2.png" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254068497199077778" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Click to expand.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-19712293598624614392008-10-03T14:07:00.007-04:002008-10-03T14:13:06.059-04:00Goofin' off with the Google Charts APIJust learned how to use this today. Charts made entirely using uniform resource locator code. <br />Cool!<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=Line+Chart&chts=000000,12&chs=600x200&chf=bg,s,ffffff%7Cc,s,ffffff&chxt=x,y&chxl=0:%7C%7C1:%7C0%7C10%7C20%7C30%7C40%7C50%7C60%7C70%7C80%7C90%7C100&cht=lc&chd=t:100.00,88.57,71.42,48.57,25.71,0.00%7C11.42,11.42,11.42,40.00,100.00&chdl=Hindenburg+Altitude%7CThe+Humanity&chco=0000ff,ff0033&chls=1,1,0%7C1,1,0"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 532px; height: 177px;" src="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=Line+Chart&chts=000000,12&chs=600x200&chf=bg,s,ffffff%7Cc,s,ffffff&chxt=x,y&chxl=0:%7C%7C1:%7C0%7C10%7C20%7C30%7C40%7C50%7C60%7C70%7C80%7C90%7C100&cht=lc&chd=t:100.00,88.57,71.42,48.57,25.71,0.00%7C11.42,11.42,11.42,40.00,100.00&chdl=Hindenburg+Altitude%7CThe+Humanity&chco=0000ff,ff0033&chls=1,1,0%7C1,1,0" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=What+Canadians+Don%27t+Want+You+To+Know+They+Were+Watching+Last+Night&chts=000000,12&chs=600x200&chf=bg,s,ffffff&cht=p3&chd=t:24.13,6.89,68.96&chl=The+US+VP+Debates%7CThe+Canada+PM+Debates%7CProject+Runway&chco=0000ff,ff0000,00cccc"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 545px; height: 182px;" src="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=What+Canadians+Don%27t+Want+You+To+Know+They+Were+Watching+Last+Night&chts=000000,12&chs=600x200&chf=bg,s,ffffff&cht=p3&chd=t:24.13,6.89,68.96&chl=The+US+VP+Debates%7CThe+Canada+PM+Debates%7CProject+Runway&chco=0000ff,ff0000,00cccc" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=Hey+Jude+by+Lyrics&chts=000000,12&chs=450x150&chf=bg,s,ffffff&cht=p3&chd=t:65.71,13.33,4.76,16.19&chl=Na%7CHey+Jude%7CIncoherant+Rambling%7COther+Words&chco=00cc66,ff9966,0066ff,ffff99"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 562px; height: 186px;" src="http://chart.apis.google.com/chart?chtt=Hey+Jude+by+Lyrics&chts=000000,12&chs=450x150&chf=bg,s,ffffff&cht=p3&chd=t:65.71,13.33,4.76,16.19&chl=Na%7CHey+Jude%7CIncoherant+Rambling%7COther+Words&chco=00cc66,ff9966,0066ff,ffff99" alt="" border="0" /></a>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-84557947617823644672008-10-02T13:12:00.006-04:002008-10-02T13:27:53.614-04:00Cagematch! (Peter O’Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II)<span style="font-size:78%;">Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://whosdaboss.livejournal.com/">Who's Da Boss</a>, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segments, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Peter O'Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II<br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOUC_xo0XjI/AAAAAAAAAEw/MV7Qx6qWrE4/s1600-h/peter_otoole01.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 236px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOUC_xo0XjI/AAAAAAAAAEw/MV7Qx6qWrE4/s320/peter_otoole01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252607835077107250" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOUDEOp3GMI/AAAAAAAAAE4/ctokjhRdJ00/s1600-h/hw_wilhelm_02.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 131px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOUDEOp3GMI/AAAAAAAAAE4/ctokjhRdJ00/s320/hw_wilhelm_02.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252607911585585346" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>EXT. An octagonal chain-linked cage.<br /><br />Two gladiators approach each other from opposite sides. They are PETER O’TOOLE and KAISER WILHELM II.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">O’TOOLE<br />"What ho!"<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"Gruß-Ire, was holt Sie zu diesem Kampf?"<br /><br />O’Toole places a little slivery fish in his ear.<br /><br />O’TOOLE<br />"What ho!"<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"Greetings Irishman. What brings you to this fight?"<br /><br />O'TOOLE<br />"I was wondering that myself…it may have something to do with the fact that I won an Academy Award for my wonderful performance as one of the most important figures in modern English history, largely responsible for much of the geo-political layout of the Middle East as we know it today."<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"I see. So you’re an actor?"<br /><br />O’TOOLE<br />"An actor playing a hero, yes. What do you do?"<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"My ineptitude as a foreign politician was a factor in the First World War."<br /><br />O’TOOLE<br />"So….not an actor?"<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"No."<br /><br />O’TOOLE<br />"Interesting. Well, let’s fight."<br /><br />WILHELM II<br />"Very well."<br /></div><br />Wilhelm II throws a POINTY HAT at Peter O’Toole, which is symbolic of the BULK OF KNOWLEDGE THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS OF GERMAN CULTURE PRE-1939.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">WILHELM II<br />"Take that!"<br /></div><br />Peter O’Toole ACTS.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">O’TOOLE<br />"Look, I’m now in Phantoms with Ben Affleck!"<br /></div><br />The movie is AWFUL, Wilhelm CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">WILHELM II<br />"Aye, there’s the rub!"<br /></div><br />Wilhelm II manages to BUILD A MASSIVE NAVY in NEXT TO NO TIME.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">O’TOOLE<br />"Not today, bootlicker."<br /></div><br />O’Toole puts on a copy of Goodbye, Mr. Chips....which is FUCKING LACKLUSTRE and a POOR CAREER MOVE, the NAVY EXPLODES for some reason.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">WILHELM II<br />"I have one last trick up my sleeve, villain!"<br /></div><br />Wilhelm II ABDICATES and GOES INTO EXILE as a RAMBLING, SENILE, ANTI-SEMITE…not unlike BOBBY FISCHER.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">O’TOOLE<br />"Victory by default!"<br /></div><br />And it was.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-86726691962951768292008-10-01T12:04:00.004-04:002008-10-01T12:09:29.512-04:00If We Took Candidates Seriously...Following the Canadian elections is so pedestrian. Now following election fuck-ups, that’s hilarious! If we were to judge parties by their weakest links: loudmouth candidates, we can get a perverse perspective on what we might expect in our beloved country in the future.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Conservative Platform!</span><br /><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/25/richardson-resign.html">Forced education for immigrants so they can learn to respect our laws.</a><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2008/09/18/ot-cannon-080918.html">All natives are to ensure that they behave and are sober.</a><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/18/listeriosis-families.html">6-day moratorium before we can laugh about a disease.</a><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/11/conservative-suspended.html">Only those who have not lost family in the war are allowed to criticize it.</a><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/09/leaders-preview.html">Poop jokes are funny again!</a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Liberal Platform!</span><br /><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/25/hughes-liberal.html">History books to include facts on CIA advanced knowledge of 9/11, and the broader Zionist conspiracy. </a><br />• <a href="http://communities.canada.com/montrealgazette/blogs/onthetrail/archive/2008/09/11/simon-b-dard-is-reflecting.aspx">Canada to declare war on Mohawk Nation.</a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">NDP Platform!</span><br /><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/25/mckeever.html">Export American traitors, and find avenues to pursue cruelty against both women and critics. </a><br />• <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/canadavotes/story/2008/09/23/bc-julian-west-resigns.html">Reduced age of sexual consent to 14. Government allowed to act pervish.</a>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-87687171139758332272008-09-30T12:28:00.006-04:002008-09-30T12:31:53.869-04:00Uncomfortable Moments<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOJUL3DPUNI/AAAAAAAAAEo/DsqgFaULRD4/s1600-h/RaptorJesus04.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 236px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOJUL3DPUNI/AAAAAAAAAEo/DsqgFaULRD4/s320/RaptorJesus04.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251852678200250578" border="0" /></a><br /><br />“I’m pretty sure that my assassination song—y’know, the song that activates any latent conditioning to assassinate a prominent individual, would be Elton John’sYellow Brick Road. Beats me why, I’ve just always had a feeling.”<br /><br />“Why do I keep that bell there? Oh, er, well, I can’t…y’know…<span style="font-style: italic;">finish</span>, unless I hear the ringing of a bell.”<br /><br />“I think you underestimate the difficulty of being Mayor of an Alaskan town of 6000 plus bears.”<br /><br />“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m pretty sure your toddler is tripping on Ecstasy.”<br /><br />“Mrs. Doohan? About your husbands ashes…”<br /><br />“From the bridge of a German U-Boat, all things appear possible.”<br /><br />“Could you please stop calling me Patient Zero?”<br /><br />“I’d like to request that Seal sings <span style="font-style: italic;">Kiss from a Rose </span>at my funeral. Is there a form I can sign for that?”<br /><br />“It’s not what you think – I just tossed a garbage bag full of pasta out of my apartment window.”Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-3048204276041887692008-09-29T11:54:00.006-04:002008-09-29T16:44:00.415-04:00Understanding University Students<span style="font-weight: bold;">The Nodder</span><br /><br />The Nodder believes that every lecture is personally addressed to him or her. They hear something from a professor which resonates so deeply within that they nod their head rhythmically in silent reverence, or to parlay a secret message to the professor that they are, in-fact, kindred spirits. The Nodder has deep respect for the professor, as this lecture in particular speaks to the Nodder’s field of expertise.<br /><br />Extreme Cases: The hardcore Nodder may be so captivated by what the professor is saying that they mutter affirmatives between head-bobs, distracting their immediate peers.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD8n2yPpZI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/fToAEp0zIZg/s1600-h/classroom.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD8n2yPpZI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/fToAEp0zIZg/s400/classroom.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251474927165351314" border="0" /></a>Aspirations: To one-day be asked to lecture to a small army of students who hang on to every word he/she says.<br /><br />Rehabilitation: Fortunately, the Nodder can be easily rehabilitated by placing them in a series of lectures where they have clearly less experience in the given subject matter than their peers.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Questioneer</span><br /><br />Unlike a questioner, a Questioneer interrupts a lecture with artificially constructed queries of limited relevance in order to express their keen interest in the subject matter to the professor. Typically, the questions they construct are monumental masterpieces which include blended of aspects of other lectures they have attended, abstract concepts they have pulled from unrelated literature as well as elements of topical current events. The Questioneer is one of the most disliked of university students by both professor and peers, as they frequently de-rail the rhythm of the lecture for a personal inquiry which only they would appreciate.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD7aMG9bUI/AAAAAAAAAEI/XyD1yutacP8/s1600-h/question.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD7aMG9bUI/AAAAAAAAAEI/XyD1yutacP8/s400/question.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251473592859585858" border="0" /></a>Extreme Cases: Questioneers unsatisfied with not being the centre-of-attention may apply themselves to the status of Slip-In-A-Personal-Anecdote-Questioneers. Adult students are highly susceptible to this phenomenon, particularly those who have either a) worked with others or b) had a personal life experience. That said, some of the more self-indulgent students may also disguise a shout-out to their volunteer work for a month in Ghana in a question about AIDS prevention in Angola.<br /><br />Aspirations: To have the lecturer comment on the importance of the question they were just asked and immediately hire the Questioneer as a full-time assistant researcher.<br /><br />Rehabilitation: Long-term Questioneers are very difficult to rehabilitate. These habits will spill over into the training courses, weekday seminars and workshops that they will participate in for the rest of their professional life. They will be loathed by their peers, and never know why.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Broken Filter</span><br /><br />The Broken Filter is unable to disseminate information they will need to recall later from superfluous information shared for listener interest. They are often seen with either a thick notebook or a laptop, scribbling or typing frantically as though they are sending instructions to soldiers in danger overseas. They lack the ability to listen to a lecture in its entirety, and can be quite distracting in their frequent page-turning and constant sighs and complaints of cramped fingers.<br /><br />Extreme Cases: The worst Broken Filters may interrupt a lecture with either a request of “Can you please slow down/speak-up/spell-that?” or a more existential “Is this going to be on the exam?”<br /><br />Aspirations: To achieve perfection without burning-out.<br /><br />Rehabilitation: The broken-filter will most certainly end up self-destructive if they do not develop the skill sets necessary to separate important from irrelevant information. They will also carry a deep-seated bitterness and loathing towards those misanthropes who choose to take no notes at all, yet receive superior grades. Rehabilitation is highly unlikely, but when it does happen, it is usually only as a by-product of substance abuse.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Gamer</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD9IOsH0DI/AAAAAAAAAEY/Mk_mpWNX02Y/s1600-h/solitaire.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SOD9IOsH0DI/AAAAAAAAAEY/Mk_mpWNX02Y/s320/solitaire.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5251475483337936946" border="0" /></a>The Gamer is one of the rarest student specimens, and is relatively harmless to other students. Disinterested in the lecture, instead of not attending they choose to attend out of a latent irrational fear that the professor would notice their absence and be so offended as to take punitive action against the student while grading his/her next exam. This child-like fear of the authority figure is counter-balanced by the silent act of rebellion by playing a game on a laptop brought under the guise of note-taking. The Gamer typically limits themselves to Solitaire, Minesweeper and Freecell, as all three programs can be quickly exited or minimized if something interesting happens needs to be recorded. The Gamer is most certainly not self-conscious, as they are willing to let their obvious disregard for the lecture be known to all who stand in a 90 degree radius behind them. While the Gamer student was once typically male, these days both genders can display their disinterest in the course material comfortably so long as the game is one that comes free with Microsoft Windows.<br /><br />Extreme Cases: More hardcore Gamers can be seen playing an elaborate action game on their laptops, sometimes even against other students. The frequent clicking of their mouse and inability to look up from the screen typically gives away their actions to all, including the professor.<br /><br />Aspirations: To be teh l33t.<br /><br />Rehabilitation: The Gamer is self-rehabilitating, either snapping and simply not attending classes altogether, or dropping out of the class after failing their first exam.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Mechanic</span><br /><br />The Mechanic believes that they will have an advantage over their peers by using electronics during a lecture. This may include: photographing notes on a chalkboard, using a tape-recorder, filming the lecture, or using a portable organizer. They were the first to buy a laptop and take notes in Word while everyone else was using a pen and pencil like a sucker who didn’t want to spend $2000.<br /><br />Extreme Cases: The worst Mechanic might install their own microphone at the podium before a lecture.<br /><br />Aspirations: To push that B to a B+.<br /><br />Rehabilitation: Most Mechanics will forget to charge, forget to use or forget to review their special equipment for documenting the scene at some point, and then be completely unable to learn from the class. When this happens, they will self-rehabilitate.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-21475531411079267182008-09-25T12:14:00.003-04:002008-09-25T23:23:57.618-04:00Song Lyrics that Demand Further Clarification (Part Two)"You know say daddy me snow me-a gon blame<br />A licky boom-boom down"<br />-Snow, Informer<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Ohhhhhh...a licky boom-boom down! It makes more sense when you look up the lyrics.</span><br /><br />“Slowly walking down the hall,<br />Faster than a cannonball,<br />Where were you when we were getting high?”<br />-Oasis, Champagne Supernova<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Slowly walking faster than a cannonball? Damn you, Liam Gallagher...and anyone else named Gallagher too!</span><br /><br />"I drive a Rolls Royce,<br />Cos it's good for my voice."<br />-T-Rex<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Great song, awful lyrics.</span><br /><br />“Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak<br />Somewhere in this town.”<br />-Thin Lizzy, Jailbreak<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Here's a clue: it'll be at the jail.</span>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-84107337711903212642008-09-24T12:07:00.005-04:002008-09-24T13:01:49.927-04:00List of Things That Could Not Exist Without Apple<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNpmpJRaatI/AAAAAAAAAEA/uQpo9eevD48/s1600-h/apple.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 77px; height: 93px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNpmpJRaatI/AAAAAAAAAEA/uQpo9eevD48/s400/apple.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249621172703357650" border="0" /></a>The lithium-ion battery industry.<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8lcnzWCKpQ&feature=related">Cansei de Ser Sexy</a><br />Consumer hype disguising itself as expressions of uniqueness and creativity.<br />33% price drops after two months of retail.<br /><a href="http://allevery.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/funnest.jpg">The word “funnest”.</a><br /><a href="http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20080711/iphone_arrives_080711/20080711?hub=TopStories">People in Halifax being awake at 2 a.m.</a><br />Silhouettes of white people dancing.<br /><a href="http://www.tuaw.com/2008/08/05/i-am-rich-makes-author-exactly-that-does-little-else/">Paying $1000 for a desktop pattern.</a><br />30,000 jobs in Longhua and Suzhou.<br />A marketing budget exponentially larger than a manufacturing budget.<br />CNN's technology articles.<br />Phones we like to rub excessively.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-4683264175109870012008-09-23T12:04:00.004-04:002008-09-23T17:30:51.786-04:00Lost Screenplay to Captain Planet MovieEXT. HOPE ISLAND, a large tropical paradise with a massive, impossible-to-miss crystal formation in its core.<br /><br />INT. GAIA’S CONTROL ROOM<br /><br />WHEELER, LINKA, KWAME and GI arrive simultaneously enter through different doors into a room filled with thousands of cameras showing pictures of jungles, forests and penguins.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">GAIA<br />“Welcome Planeteers. Although, it has been ten years since you have last seen each other, I wish it was under better circumstances. Once again Earth is in danger and needs your help.”<br /><br />LINKA<br />“Vhat is wrong, Gaia?”<br /><br />GAIA<br />“Humans are too dependant on oil! Your respective cultures are obsessed with war and conflict! Overpopulation is likely to bring upon a global collapse and global warming threatens the future of all life on the planet! Earth needs its heroes again, and thus I am returning you your magic rings.”<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNkUhSSSQ7I/AAAAAAAAADw/JljuVIBl_Fo/s1600-h/wheeler.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNkUhSSSQ7I/AAAAAAAAADw/JljuVIBl_Fo/s400/wheeler.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249249402753794994" border="0" /></a>WHEELER<br />“Yeah, I’m out.”<br /><br />GI<br />“What?”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“I’m not buying into that liberal fear-mongering, sorry.”<br /><br />KWAME<br />“What the hell are you talking about Wheeler?!”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“You guys should try reading a book. There’s plenty of oil out there, and even if there wasn’t, more and more people are turning to hybrid-cars. Our ‘wars and conflicts’ liberate societies oppressed by dictators who murder their own citizens and install democracies. Scarcity from overpopulation? Please. Self-interest leads us to constantly strive at the creation of new resources where old resources are becoming scarce and expensive. This is the path to profit for the individual - and progress for all. One needs a certain amount of willful blindness to avoid seeing the process in action now and in recent history. And don’t even get me started on that great work of fiction and spin known as global warming!”<br /><br />GI<br />“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What a pile of right-wing horse-shit! What the hell happened to you, Wheeler? You used to be our most proactive activist. You used to believe in a better future for our kids!”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“Yeah, well, volunteering with the Planeteers was fun and all that, but I had student loans to pay off. Then I had to go out and find a decent job. Unfortunately for Earth, environmental activism doesn’t exactly feed the wife and kids. I mean, do you have any clue how much children’s hockey equipment costs? How did you make ends meet?”<br /><br />GI<br />“I worked for an NGO, like we all promised we’d do!”<br /><br />LINKA<br />“Meh. I boosted cars for a while.”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“Besides, do you have any idea how many lives are sustained by Amazon logging companies and Indonesian sweatshops? Every time we shut one of those places down, we put thousands of people out of work. Where’s their next meal going to come from?”<br /><br />KWAME<br />(contemplatively)<br />“Hmmm. Wheeler may be on to something…”<br /><br />GI<br />“Kwame!”<br /><br />KWAME<br />“No, I mean, what right do we even have to interfere in state policies. When do our actions cross the line into full-blown terrorism?”<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNkUox_EKPI/AAAAAAAAAD4/olTM5ZhC3G0/s1600-h/kwame.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNkUox_EKPI/AAAAAAAAAD4/olTM5ZhC3G0/s400/kwame.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249249531522197746" border="0" /></a><br /><br />LINKA<br />“Actually, yeah. Remember that time Captain Planet grabbed Verminous Skumm and Sly Sludge and tossed them both into space? That’s not right. You’d think they’d get a fair trial or something.”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“Exactly. Plus, remember that Tsunami that struck Thailand? You ever wonder if that had anything to do with the time Kwame got a little drunk and started firing the Earth ring into the ocean that night after we defeated Dr. Blight?”<br /><br />KWAME<br />“That could have been started by anyone’s Earth ring…”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“And you, Linka, I’m pretty sure both you and Gi said you were going on vacation together in New Orleans back in 2005.”<br /><br />GI<br />“Fucking pyro hypocrite. Everybody knows who started the California wildfires!”<br /><br />GAIA<br />“Fucking enough! Just put on your fucking rings and summon Captain Planet.”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“Whatever. Fine.”<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">Everybody looks at KWAME. This is awkward, because it takes a moment for him to remember the line.<br /></div><br />KWAME<br />“Let our powers combine. EARTH!!!!”<br /><br />WHEELER<br />“FIRE!!!!!!!!”<br /><br />LINKA<br />“WEEEIIIND!!!!”<br /><br />GI<br />“WAH-TAH!!!”<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">As if on-cue, MAH-TI enters the control room from another door. Everyone is locked in pose as they stare at him.<br /></div><br />MAH-TI<br />“Hey guys….”<br /><br />MAH-TI<br />“…”<br /><br />MAH-TI<br />“HEART!!!!!!!!!”<br /><br />CAPTAIN PLANET<br />“When your powers combine…I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!”<br /><br /><div style="text-align: justify;">CAPTAIN PLANET practices some aerial acrobatics for a while, typically while whooshing noises. Meanwhile, somewhere in the distance an ancient prayer is heard rhyming the words hero and zero.<br /></div><br />WHEELER<br />“Nice mullet.”<br /><br />GI<br />“Captain Planet, you embody the spirit of the Earth, please, tell us what we can do to stop this future that Gaia has seen in her magic crystal display!”<br /><br />CAPTAIN PLANET<br />“…”<br /><br />GI<br />“…”<br /><br />CAPTAIN PLANET<br />“I’m sorry; I’m so high right now.”<br /></div>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-61308328727350178552008-09-22T11:11:00.005-04:002008-09-22T13:08:47.536-04:00Cagematch! (Care Bears vs. Sauron)<span style="font-size:78%;">Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://whosdaboss.livejournal.com/">Who's Da Boss</a>, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segements, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Care Bears vs. Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNe821-ZgdI/AAAAAAAAADg/GDpxQQ_JVEM/s1600-h/Care_Bears_Easter.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 236px; height: 175px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNe821-ZgdI/AAAAAAAAADg/GDpxQQ_JVEM/s400/Care_Bears_Easter.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248871541111357906" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNe87jTcNqI/AAAAAAAAADo/x7sg_3EhG-Y/s1600-h/saur.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 232px; height: 175px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNe87jTcNqI/AAAAAAAAADo/x7sg_3EhG-Y/s400/saur.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5248871621998687906" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />The Care Bears are awesome too in a way-random-late-80’s-toy-television-tie-in-nostalgia sort of way. But let’s not lose our way in producing this analysis. This is a death-match. A cage-fight. A pit slaughter. A cluster-fuck. Our gladiators are ready, and this is how it will go down.<br /><br />In order to defeat Sauron, it took: 4 <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Political_correctness#As_engineered_term">little-people</a>, an old-man with the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGK1OFMpuws">powers of a God</a>, magic potions, magic rings, the entire human race, the undead, deus ex machina, luck, skill and planning. This was no fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants operation and Sauron was no weak pushover. In fact, the LAST time somebody fought Sauron, it was kind of a fluke that he succeeded in defeating him – kind of lacklustre, even for an era without cruise missiles.<br /><br />The Care Bears are a one-trick pony. Asshole giving you shit? Care Bear stare. Wallet empty? Care Bear stare. Drug addiction? Care Bear stare. Generally sense of melancholy? You get the idea. They're like the Zoloft of super-heroes. Now, yes, the Care Bears have a reasonable amount of experience fighting wizards and their beastly-apprentices and loud-nieces…but No Heart is no Sauron. No Heart is like that “other” wizard, the one with that always redirects conversations back to himself and has a habit of spitting when he talks which kinda grosses everyone out but nobody talks about it. No Heart wasn't really Earth-conquering material, unlike Sauron, who’ll violate your face just for saying his name three times in a mirror…I think, I haven’t read those books in a while.<br /><br />In a cage match, the Care Bears in question (in this case, all of them) would have to perform a collective Care Bear stare, which I imagine would look something like when all the green beams in the first Death Star converge to form a mega-beam which blows up Algeria (or at least that's what spell-check seems to think I meant to say). I don’t know if all the Care Bears have performed a massively-multiplayer-Care-Bear-stare before. I imagine at least a handful will show up late for the event, or be under the weather or something. Let’s assume a 90-95% turnout, which I think is a little optimistic, really. After that mega-stare hits Sauron, he would kind of stop in his tracks and go “Huh?” and then tear Lion-Heart’s head off of his body in a single fully-considered twitch. In seconds, hundreds of teddy bears would be tossed like rag-dolls at each other as predicted in the Book of Revelation. The evisceration would be bloody and relentless. Those that survive the haunting would be forever tormented by their secret pain and banished to the farthest reaches of the universe (the luckiest may find salvation by Sybok…but that’s another tale) as Sauron cuts through their peers like a knife through butter. There are no screams. There would be no time. Sauron would not even muster a smile under his doom-helm, for the bloodening required no effort on his part. In a New York minute, there would be only silence.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-59350035960908053682008-09-18T07:13:00.008-04:002008-09-18T07:46:40.341-04:00Emo Outdoor Rehabilitation College<span style="font-style: italic;">“Returning youths to the human race since 2002”</span><br /><br />If you are a parent evaluating boarding schools for a teen struggling with the challenges of a vacuous Emo culture, you may feel overwhelmed by all the options available to you. Parents with troubled teens who have struggled with finding solutions sometimes feel as if they have no place to turn. Maybe you have tried a number of treatments or interventions to get an Emo kid back on track, yet still find the solutions fall far short of the mark.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI71DervJI/AAAAAAAAACY/YDf6kZ7BrBE/s1600-h/emo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 164px; height: 183px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI71DervJI/AAAAAAAAACY/YDf6kZ7BrBE/s400/emo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247322298493156498" border="0" /></a>Our hectic, fast-paced society makes it more difficult for young people to make the transition from childhood to adulthood. Rites of passage like national fitness drills and school dances that once helped teens understand the growing responsibilities that come with age no longer play a major part in our chaotic world. Children and teens get many of their messages about how to act from inappropriate sources - from an individual peer group or the larger peer culture.<br /><br />Troubled teens are often confused and frightened. Their practiced poises of depression or indifference reflect their confusion and fear. The first step in saving a child from a self-destructive path of tight pants, black horn-rimmed glasses and messy, swooped hair style is to realize you need professional help.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >What parents need to know about Emo:</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI9LRxWV0I/AAAAAAAAACg/V71CpGbLDYU/s1600-h/emo2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI9LRxWV0I/AAAAAAAAACg/V71CpGbLDYU/s400/emo2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247323779798292290" border="0" /></a>In recent years the popular media has associated Emo with a stereotype that includes being emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, or angsty. It is also associated with depression, self-injury, and suicide. Most importantly, it is associated with a combination of fashion marketing and a series of musical styles, all of which sucked tremendously on their own but gave new meaning to the word "fuckawful" when they combined into one, monstrous, marketing ploy.<br /><br />Teens whose parents actively pursue help are the most likely to see a positive change.<br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >What we offer:</span><br /><br />We guarantee that upon the completion of our 4-month boot-camp including a two-week wilderness trek, your teenager will return home with a renewed sense of optimism and purpose.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Program Details:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">1 Week Detoxification</span><br /><ul><li>New arrivals are taken to the facility barber, clothing and personal articles are collected by facility staff. Students are issued standardized collared shirts and blue jeans before spending several days starved in isolation chambers looking broody and deep in silence. iPods, eyeliner, hair products, cameras, cell-phones, pens, pencils, computers and parent’s credit cards are forbidden.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">2 Weeks Breaking Down Barriers</span><br /><ul><li>Students are invited to discuss non-musical, non-romantic or non-depressing topics with each other. Suggested examples may include: wildebeest migration patterns, winning the lottery, carpentry, curling or String Theory.</li><li>Students engage in a series of non-Emo activities which include tennis, kite-flying, tractor pull and building an igloo (winter).</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">4 Weeks Situational Analysis</span><br /><ul><li>Students experience four week-long simulations of the life of a Sudanese mother, a fire-fighter, an emergency-ward nurse, a Chinese Falun Gong practitioner. Comparisons are made between their conspicuous consumption and suffering to those of their experiences.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">2 Weeks Advanced Situational Analysis</span><br /><ul><li>Students spend one week at Fort Leonard Wood in Waynesville, Missouri. Students engage in character-building exercises that teach fitness, loyalty, duty, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. Upon completion of their training at Fort Leonard Wood, they are to spend a week volunteering at an urban mission for the homeless.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">2 Weeks Musical Appreciation</span><br /><ul><li>Students will be exposed to Elvis, Bob Dylan, Chuck Berry, The Grateful Dead, Led Zeppelin and Bob Marley amongst others. The importance of lyrical and melodic development will be stressed.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">2 Weeks Group Therapy</span><br /><ul><li>Students will be invited to discuss how they are in fact loved by their friends and family, that life is pretty good for white middle-class Americans, and that they lack the knowledge and experience to understand the fleeting nature of their affections.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">2 Weeks Purpose Finding</span><br /><ul><li>Students are invited to begin learning a skill, explore their own value systems and set objectives for what they seek to accomplish in their lifetimes.</li></ul><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">2 Week Wilderness-Trek</span><br /><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Students will be taken on a camping expedition in a remote boreal preserve where they will participate in zip-lining, trust-exercises and cage-fighting with a 1,700 lb grizzly bear. Survivors will return to the facility for pickup.</li></ul><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI-ZzuxasI/AAAAAAAAADI/VFGglH3ehWE/s1600-h/zip.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 359px; height: 234px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI-ZzuxasI/AAAAAAAAADI/VFGglH3ehWE/s400/zip.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247325128944085698" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI-7iSWOaI/AAAAAAAAADY/JbNVniMXIGc/s1600-h/bear.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 198px; height: 244px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SNI-7iSWOaI/AAAAAAAAADY/JbNVniMXIGc/s400/bear.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247325708377012642" border="0" /></a>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-78987094529782116662008-09-17T07:12:00.000-04:002008-09-17T07:13:29.525-04:00Parents Release Feral Child to Humane SocietyOTTAWA - Only weeks after adopting a child raised by wolves for eight years, the Cartwright family of Nepean now reluctantly admits they have chosen to return him to the Humane Society where he was first adopted. “This decision was a difficult one for our family.” says Douglas Cartwright, “Scruffy was more than a feral child—he was a member of our family. However, unlike certain other members of our family, we can get rid of him if he gets to be a pain-in-the-ass.” <br /><br />The Cartwright’s point to the spoiling of their favorite rug, the unruly child’s constant growling and public defecation as the primary reasons for abandoning him. Says Maria Cartwright, “Maybe they’ll take him back, maybe they won’t. In either case, that wretch isn’t living with us. I’ll release him back into the woods if I have to.”<br /><br />The Cartwright’s have vowed to feed the feral child an elaborate steak dinner before returning him to the organization dedicated to the rehabilitation of unwanted pets.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-91919671032897324472008-09-16T07:24:00.001-04:002008-09-16T07:28:47.427-04:00Laurasian Presidential Election Debates, 65,350,878 BCEModerator: “Let's now begin the questioning. Senator Utahraptor, your party's leader in the Laurasian Senate, Parasaurolophus, recently said the war against Gondwana is lost. A letter to the Laurasian Post calls his comments "treasonous" and says if General Tyrannosaur were alive today, he would "wipe his oversized boots" with Parasaurolophus. Do you agree with the position of your leader in the Senate?”<br /><br />Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeech!!!”<br /><br />Moderator: “Thank you, Senator. Senator Velociraptor, you have been a long-time proponent of the controversial theory that dinosaurs are the actual descendants from smaller reptiles. Some have stated that this theory, sometimes referred to as <span style="font-style: italic;">intelligent selection</span>, should be taught alongside the more commonly accepted principle of spontaneous generation. If elected, would you propose equal time for both theories in our public schools?<br /><br />Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”<br /><br />Moderator: “Senator, time. Thank you very much. Senator Utahraptor, you have stated that you strongly support slashing the what you have called the "irresponsibly wasteful" budget of our national space program in order to provide the much-needed additional funds for both social programs and the war in Gondwana. Do you believe there will be negative repercussions to abandoning those core-sciences for more terrestrial concerns?<br /><br />Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”<br /><br />Moderator: “Senator Velocriaptor?”<br /><br />Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-17244069805084203252008-09-15T07:40:00.002-04:002008-09-15T07:40:54.865-04:00Original Cartoon<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SM5Jt2DAT0I/AAAAAAAAACQ/ANa51jBnXns/s1600-h/artsydogs.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SM5Jt2DAT0I/AAAAAAAAACQ/ANa51jBnXns/s400/artsydogs.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5246211667884265282" border="0" /></a>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-78363208437690079082008-09-12T07:43:00.001-04:002008-09-12T07:44:33.423-04:00DiscussYou know that scene in Jurassic Park when Sam Neill and those kids reach the visitor's center safely? Sam Neill tells them he'll be back soon and leaves, then little Timmy’s eyes go wide as he spots the massive table of desserts sitting out in the open.<br /><br />What the hell was that all about?<br /><br />A storm was coming; all the staff was ordered off the island. You would think the chefs would have put that stuff away, right?<br /><br />Man that irks me.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-66165807346008728302008-09-12T07:34:00.005-04:002008-09-22T00:23:30.873-04:00Song Lyrics that Demand Further Clarification"Like a rock<br />Chargin' from the gate"<br />--Bob Seger, Like a Rock<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Failing simile. I don't usually think of rocks as "chargin'" from a gate.</span><br /><br />"I drew a line<br />I drew a line for you<br />Oh what a thing to do<br />And it was all yellow"<br />--Coldplay, Yellow<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">I always imagined this song as being sung from a first-grader to their t</span><span style="font-style: italic;">eacher.</span><br /><br />"Suckin' on a chili dog<br />Outside the Tasty Freeze"<br />--John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack and Diane<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Has Mr. J. Cougar Mellencamp ever eaten a chili dog? I don't think it makes for good suckin' material.</span><br /><br />“Is that yo ass, or yo momma half reindeer?”<br />-- Nelly, Shake Ya Tailfeather<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And I'm out.</span>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-50103423263595968932008-09-11T11:59:00.003-04:002008-09-11T12:01:40.906-04:00Guidance Counselor's Career Discussion Flowchart<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SMlAi8blN5I/AAAAAAAAACI/NXNdkYevvzI/s1600-h/Guidance.gif"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_jcjZVP6_8QU/SMlAi8blN5I/AAAAAAAAACI/NXNdkYevvzI/s400/Guidance.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5244794210131195794" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Click to expand.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-65969604061529291962008-09-10T07:18:00.000-04:002008-09-10T07:20:18.709-04:00My ColleaguesMy colleagues revel, in excessive negativity.<br />Putting others down, makes them feel good.<br />Your poem sucks.<br />This sucks.<br />I hate you forever and ever and ever.<br />Say my colleagues.Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4377556158153826507.post-91487740577482859652008-09-10T07:17:00.001-04:002008-09-11T12:01:16.061-04:00Creative Verbs for Dull Resumes<ul><li>Impregnated</li><li>Muddied</li><li>Filibustered</li><li>Harpooned</li><li>Refused</li><li>Excreted</li><li>Falsified </li></ul>Sir Duck N. Coverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13540872320774004837noreply@blogger.com0