Cagematch! (Care Bears vs. Sauron)

Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to Who's Da Boss, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segements, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.

The Care Bears vs. Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor




The Care Bears are awesome too in a way-random-late-80’s-toy-television-tie-in-nostalgia sort of way. But let’s not lose our way in producing this analysis. This is a death-match. A cage-fight. A pit slaughter. A cluster-fuck. Our gladiators are ready, and this is how it will go down.

In order to defeat Sauron, it took: 4 little-people, an old-man with the powers of a God, magic potions, magic rings, the entire human race, the undead, deus ex machina, luck, skill and planning. This was no fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants operation and Sauron was no weak pushover. In fact, the LAST time somebody fought Sauron, it was kind of a fluke that he succeeded in defeating him – kind of lacklustre, even for an era without cruise missiles.

The Care Bears are a one-trick pony. Asshole giving you shit? Care Bear stare. Wallet empty? Care Bear stare. Drug addiction? Care Bear stare. Generally sense of melancholy? You get the idea. They're like the Zoloft of super-heroes. Now, yes, the Care Bears have a reasonable amount of experience fighting wizards and their beastly-apprentices and loud-nieces…but No Heart is no Sauron. No Heart is like that “other” wizard, the one with that always redirects conversations back to himself and has a habit of spitting when he talks which kinda grosses everyone out but nobody talks about it. No Heart wasn't really Earth-conquering material, unlike Sauron, who’ll violate your face just for saying his name three times in a mirror…I think, I haven’t read those books in a while.

In a cage match, the Care Bears in question (in this case, all of them) would have to perform a collective Care Bear stare, which I imagine would look something like when all the green beams in the first Death Star converge to form a mega-beam which blows up Algeria (or at least that's what spell-check seems to think I meant to say). I don’t know if all the Care Bears have performed a massively-multiplayer-Care-Bear-stare before. I imagine at least a handful will show up late for the event, or be under the weather or something. Let’s assume a 90-95% turnout, which I think is a little optimistic, really. After that mega-stare hits Sauron, he would kind of stop in his tracks and go “Huh?” and then tear Lion-Heart’s head off of his body in a single fully-considered twitch. In seconds, hundreds of teddy bears would be tossed like rag-dolls at each other as predicted in the Book of Revelation. The evisceration would be bloody and relentless. Those that survive the haunting would be forever tormented by their secret pain and banished to the farthest reaches of the universe (the luckiest may find salvation by Sybok…but that’s another tale) as Sauron cuts through their peers like a knife through butter. There are no screams. There would be no time. Sauron would not even muster a smile under his doom-helm, for the bloodening required no effort on his part. In a New York minute, there would be only silence.