EXT. HOPE ISLAND, a large tropical paradise with a massive, impossible-to-miss crystal formation in its core.
INT. GAIA’S CONTROL ROOM
WHEELER, LINKA, KWAME and GI arrive simultaneously enter through different doors into a room filled with thousands of cameras showing pictures of jungles, forests and penguins.
GAIA
“Welcome Planeteers. Although, it has been ten years since you have last seen each other, I wish it was under better circumstances. Once again Earth is in danger and needs your help.”
LINKA
“Vhat is wrong, Gaia?”
GAIA
“Humans are too dependant on oil! Your respective cultures are obsessed with war and conflict! Overpopulation is likely to bring upon a global collapse and global warming threatens the future of all life on the planet! Earth needs its heroes again, and thus I am returning you your magic rings.”
WHEELER
“Yeah, I’m out.”
GI
“What?”
WHEELER
“I’m not buying into that liberal fear-mongering, sorry.”
KWAME
“What the hell are you talking about Wheeler?!”
WHEELER
“You guys should try reading a book. There’s plenty of oil out there, and even if there wasn’t, more and more people are turning to hybrid-cars. Our ‘wars and conflicts’ liberate societies oppressed by dictators who murder their own citizens and install democracies. Scarcity from overpopulation? Please. Self-interest leads us to constantly strive at the creation of new resources where old resources are becoming scarce and expensive. This is the path to profit for the individual - and progress for all. One needs a certain amount of willful blindness to avoid seeing the process in action now and in recent history. And don’t even get me started on that great work of fiction and spin known as global warming!”
GI
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What a pile of right-wing horse-shit! What the hell happened to you, Wheeler? You used to be our most proactive activist. You used to believe in a better future for our kids!”
WHEELER
“Yeah, well, volunteering with the Planeteers was fun and all that, but I had student loans to pay off. Then I had to go out and find a decent job. Unfortunately for Earth, environmental activism doesn’t exactly feed the wife and kids. I mean, do you have any clue how much children’s hockey equipment costs? How did you make ends meet?”
GI
“I worked for an NGO, like we all promised we’d do!”
LINKA
“Meh. I boosted cars for a while.”
WHEELER
“Besides, do you have any idea how many lives are sustained by Amazon logging companies and Indonesian sweatshops? Every time we shut one of those places down, we put thousands of people out of work. Where’s their next meal going to come from?”
KWAME
(contemplatively)
“Hmmm. Wheeler may be on to something…”
GI
“Kwame!”
KWAME
“No, I mean, what right do we even have to interfere in state policies. When do our actions cross the line into full-blown terrorism?”
LINKA
“Actually, yeah. Remember that time Captain Planet grabbed Verminous Skumm and Sly Sludge and tossed them both into space? That’s not right. You’d think they’d get a fair trial or something.”
WHEELER
“Exactly. Plus, remember that Tsunami that struck Thailand? You ever wonder if that had anything to do with the time Kwame got a little drunk and started firing the Earth ring into the ocean that night after we defeated Dr. Blight?”
KWAME
“That could have been started by anyone’s Earth ring…”
WHEELER
“And you, Linka, I’m pretty sure both you and Gi said you were going on vacation together in New Orleans back in 2005.”
GI
“Fucking pyro hypocrite. Everybody knows who started the California wildfires!”
GAIA
“Fucking enough! Just put on your fucking rings and summon Captain Planet.”
WHEELER
“Whatever. Fine.”
KWAME
“Let our powers combine. EARTH!!!!”
WHEELER
“FIRE!!!!!!!!”
LINKA
“WEEEIIIND!!!!”
GI
“WAH-TAH!!!”
MAH-TI
“Hey guys….”
MAH-TI
“…”
MAH-TI
“HEART!!!!!!!!!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“When your powers combine…I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!”
WHEELER
“Nice mullet.”
GI
“Captain Planet, you embody the spirit of the Earth, please, tell us what we can do to stop this future that Gaia has seen in her magic crystal display!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“…”
GI
“…”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“I’m sorry; I’m so high right now.”
“Welcome Planeteers. Although, it has been ten years since you have last seen each other, I wish it was under better circumstances. Once again Earth is in danger and needs your help.”
LINKA
“Vhat is wrong, Gaia?”
GAIA
“Humans are too dependant on oil! Your respective cultures are obsessed with war and conflict! Overpopulation is likely to bring upon a global collapse and global warming threatens the future of all life on the planet! Earth needs its heroes again, and thus I am returning you your magic rings.”
WHEELER“Yeah, I’m out.”
GI
“What?”
WHEELER
“I’m not buying into that liberal fear-mongering, sorry.”
KWAME
“What the hell are you talking about Wheeler?!”
WHEELER
“You guys should try reading a book. There’s plenty of oil out there, and even if there wasn’t, more and more people are turning to hybrid-cars. Our ‘wars and conflicts’ liberate societies oppressed by dictators who murder their own citizens and install democracies. Scarcity from overpopulation? Please. Self-interest leads us to constantly strive at the creation of new resources where old resources are becoming scarce and expensive. This is the path to profit for the individual - and progress for all. One needs a certain amount of willful blindness to avoid seeing the process in action now and in recent history. And don’t even get me started on that great work of fiction and spin known as global warming!”
GI
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What a pile of right-wing horse-shit! What the hell happened to you, Wheeler? You used to be our most proactive activist. You used to believe in a better future for our kids!”
WHEELER
“Yeah, well, volunteering with the Planeteers was fun and all that, but I had student loans to pay off. Then I had to go out and find a decent job. Unfortunately for Earth, environmental activism doesn’t exactly feed the wife and kids. I mean, do you have any clue how much children’s hockey equipment costs? How did you make ends meet?”
GI
“I worked for an NGO, like we all promised we’d do!”
LINKA
“Meh. I boosted cars for a while.”
WHEELER
“Besides, do you have any idea how many lives are sustained by Amazon logging companies and Indonesian sweatshops? Every time we shut one of those places down, we put thousands of people out of work. Where’s their next meal going to come from?”
KWAME
(contemplatively)
“Hmmm. Wheeler may be on to something…”
GI
“Kwame!”
KWAME
“No, I mean, what right do we even have to interfere in state policies. When do our actions cross the line into full-blown terrorism?”
LINKA
“Actually, yeah. Remember that time Captain Planet grabbed Verminous Skumm and Sly Sludge and tossed them both into space? That’s not right. You’d think they’d get a fair trial or something.”
WHEELER
“Exactly. Plus, remember that Tsunami that struck Thailand? You ever wonder if that had anything to do with the time Kwame got a little drunk and started firing the Earth ring into the ocean that night after we defeated Dr. Blight?”
KWAME
“That could have been started by anyone’s Earth ring…”
WHEELER
“And you, Linka, I’m pretty sure both you and Gi said you were going on vacation together in New Orleans back in 2005.”
GI
“Fucking pyro hypocrite. Everybody knows who started the California wildfires!”
GAIA
“Fucking enough! Just put on your fucking rings and summon Captain Planet.”
WHEELER
“Whatever. Fine.”
Everybody looks at KWAME. This is awkward, because it takes a moment for him to remember the line.
KWAME
“Let our powers combine. EARTH!!!!”
WHEELER
“FIRE!!!!!!!!”
LINKA
“WEEEIIIND!!!!”
GI
“WAH-TAH!!!”
As if on-cue, MAH-TI enters the control room from another door. Everyone is locked in pose as they stare at him.
MAH-TI
“Hey guys….”
MAH-TI
“…”
MAH-TI
“HEART!!!!!!!!!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“When your powers combine…I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!”
CAPTAIN PLANET practices some aerial acrobatics for a while, typically while whooshing noises. Meanwhile, somewhere in the distance an ancient prayer is heard rhyming the words hero and zero.
WHEELER
“Nice mullet.”
GI
“Captain Planet, you embody the spirit of the Earth, please, tell us what we can do to stop this future that Gaia has seen in her magic crystal display!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“…”
GI
“…”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“I’m sorry; I’m so high right now.”
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