Uncomfortable Moments

“I’m pretty sure that my assassination song—y’know, the song that activates any latent conditioning to assassinate a prominent individual, would be Elton John’sYellow Brick Road. Beats me why, I’ve just always had a feeling.”

“Why do I keep that bell there? Oh, er, well, I can’t…y’know…finish, unless I hear the ringing of a bell.”

“I think you underestimate the difficulty of being Mayor of an Alaskan town of 6000 plus bears.”

“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m pretty sure your toddler is tripping on Ecstasy.”

“Mrs. Doohan? About your husbands ashes…”

“From the bridge of a German U-Boat, all things appear possible.”

“Could you please stop calling me Patient Zero?”

“I’d like to request that Seal sings Kiss from a Rose at my funeral. Is there a form I can sign for that?”

“It’s not what you think – I just tossed a garbage bag full of pasta out of my apartment window.”