Cagematch! (Peter O’Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II)

Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to Who's Da Boss, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segments, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.

Peter O'Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II



EXT. An octagonal chain-linked cage.

Two gladiators approach each other from opposite sides. They are PETER O’TOOLE and KAISER WILHELM II.

O’TOOLE
"What ho!"

WILHELM II
"Gruß-Ire, was holt Sie zu diesem Kampf?"

O’Toole places a little slivery fish in his ear.

O’TOOLE
"What ho!"

WILHELM II
"Greetings Irishman. What brings you to this fight?"

O'TOOLE
"I was wondering that myself…it may have something to do with the fact that I won an Academy Award for my wonderful performance as one of the most important figures in modern English history, largely responsible for much of the geo-political layout of the Middle East as we know it today."

WILHELM II
"I see. So you’re an actor?"

O’TOOLE
"An actor playing a hero, yes. What do you do?"

WILHELM II
"My ineptitude as a foreign politician was a factor in the First World War."

O’TOOLE
"So….not an actor?"

WILHELM II
"No."

O’TOOLE
"Interesting. Well, let’s fight."

WILHELM II
"Very well."

Wilhelm II throws a POINTY HAT at Peter O’Toole, which is symbolic of the BULK OF KNOWLEDGE THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS OF GERMAN CULTURE PRE-1939.

WILHELM II
"Take that!"

Peter O’Toole ACTS.

O’TOOLE
"Look, I’m now in Phantoms with Ben Affleck!"

The movie is AWFUL, Wilhelm CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.

WILHELM II
"Aye, there’s the rub!"

Wilhelm II manages to BUILD A MASSIVE NAVY in NEXT TO NO TIME.

O’TOOLE
"Not today, bootlicker."

O’Toole puts on a copy of Goodbye, Mr. Chips....which is FUCKING LACKLUSTRE and a POOR CAREER MOVE, the NAVY EXPLODES for some reason.

WILHELM II
"I have one last trick up my sleeve, villain!"

Wilhelm II ABDICATES and GOES INTO EXILE as a RAMBLING, SENILE, ANTI-SEMITE…not unlike BOBBY FISCHER.

O’TOOLE
"Victory by default!"

And it was.