Unicorns are real, and it took no less than 30 minutes for somebody to discover that eating their shit will prolong your life.
The pieces to IKEA furniture are actually excreted by a sentient space lobster named “Flarfen” who is starting to wonder if he will ever get to meet the President of the United States of America.
Paul Gross’s first draft of Passchendaele was actually a 5-minute, $100,000 budget vignette where he lined up approximately 150 chimpanzees in a muddy field and proceeded to gun them down with a Vickers Machine Gun. The studios demanded a love-story be included.
Jerry O’Connell finally slid into a dimension where he could find work.
The Toyota Highlander is, regrettably, not immortal. It’s just a hybrid.
Indie alternate-punk band The Fizzlepigs do not, in fact, exist.
Today's Surprises
Cliff Notes for Science!
String Theory
The whole world is held together by teeny-tiny strings that are so small you can’t even see them through a microscope. When these strings are tugged at, it can create a black hole in the fabric of the universe.
Global Warming
Global warming happens every year for about six months before it starts to get colder again. Despite what the politicians say, it does not affect everybody negatively. For example, when global warming makes things hotter in North America, it makes things cooler in Australia.
Tides
The ocean water rises and falls because there are trace amounts of iron in the water that are attracted to the magnetic pull of the Moon.
Absolute Zero
Absolute zero is the lowest possible zero, first discovered by Ancient Egyptians before they figured out fractions.
E=MC^2
Albert Einstein was the smartest guy in the world. Even after he died, nobody could ever figure out what the significance of this equation was. Some say it’s the secret to time-travel. The Russians had their own secret version of this equation during the cold war. Fun fact: People were writing E=MC^2 so much, that it led to the invention of superscript.
F=MA
A measure by which Ministers determine the quality of their sermons, as faith is equal to the size of one’s congregation (mass) multiplied by their attendance.
Power Generation
While power produced from the movement of electrons has high energy costs, power produced from neutrons is usually free of charge.
Periodic Table of Elements
The are five elements on the periodic table. Fire, Earth, Wind, Water and Heart. Some also argue that Leeloo is the fifth element.
Original Cartoon
I decided I didn't think today's entry was funny enough, so at the last minute I pulled it and will instead use this cartoon -- my first to ever see newsprint.
Again, apologies for the low resolution. Click to enlarge.
Poetry Slam
5 Years Old
Exxon Valdez.
Nine-Eleven. YouTube.
Baconater. Bre-X. Battlefield Earth.
Two Girls.
One Cup.
I will grow up in an age without heroes.
Except Spiderman.
10 Years Old
Watching Who’s The Boss
Samantha makes my pants stir.
Ay-oh. Oh-ay.
15 Years Old
u r pwnzrd n00b
fag
I am so alone.
20 Years Old
In every university,
There's a special prof,
With whom you will develop
A timeless bond.
There will come a special time
that you’ll think
way back and say "That teacher
really cared!"
So why doesn’t the bitch keep office hours?
25 Years Old
Tappada-tappada-tappada.
Tappada-click-tappada.
Click-tappada-tappada.
Click-tappada-click.
Tappada-tappada-click.
Click-click-click.
Was it a pretty day?
Breaking The Fourth Wall
Hey you.
Read this poem.
You obey me.
Dog
It’s dinner time.
It’s dinner time.
It’s dinner time.
Blood kill death.
Shut up and look at him for lamb.
Donkey Berlin
Donkey-Hitler is in his bunker.
Bites the cyanide capsule and descends.
Into Satan’s ass-hole.
Goofin' off with the Google Charts API
Just learned how to use this today. Charts made entirely using uniform resource locator code.
Cool!
Cagematch! (Peter O’Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II)
Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to Who's Da Boss, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segments, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.
Peter O'Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II
EXT. An octagonal chain-linked cage.
Two gladiators approach each other from opposite sides. They are PETER O’TOOLE and KAISER WILHELM II.
"What ho!"
WILHELM II
"Gruß-Ire, was holt Sie zu diesem Kampf?"
O’Toole places a little slivery fish in his ear.
O’TOOLE
"What ho!"
WILHELM II
"Greetings Irishman. What brings you to this fight?"
O'TOOLE
"I was wondering that myself…it may have something to do with the fact that I won an Academy Award for my wonderful performance as one of the most important figures in modern English history, largely responsible for much of the geo-political layout of the Middle East as we know it today."
WILHELM II
"I see. So you’re an actor?"
O’TOOLE
"An actor playing a hero, yes. What do you do?"
WILHELM II
"My ineptitude as a foreign politician was a factor in the First World War."
O’TOOLE
"So….not an actor?"
WILHELM II
"No."
O’TOOLE
"Interesting. Well, let’s fight."
WILHELM II
"Very well."
Wilhelm II throws a POINTY HAT at Peter O’Toole, which is symbolic of the BULK OF KNOWLEDGE THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS OF GERMAN CULTURE PRE-1939.
"Take that!"
Peter O’Toole ACTS.
"Look, I’m now in Phantoms with Ben Affleck!"
The movie is AWFUL, Wilhelm CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
"Aye, there’s the rub!"
Wilhelm II manages to BUILD A MASSIVE NAVY in NEXT TO NO TIME.
"Not today, bootlicker."
O’Toole puts on a copy of Goodbye, Mr. Chips....which is FUCKING LACKLUSTRE and a POOR CAREER MOVE, the NAVY EXPLODES for some reason.
"I have one last trick up my sleeve, villain!"
Wilhelm II ABDICATES and GOES INTO EXILE as a RAMBLING, SENILE, ANTI-SEMITE…not unlike BOBBY FISCHER.
"Victory by default!"
And it was.
If We Took Candidates Seriously...
Following the Canadian elections is so pedestrian. Now following election fuck-ups, that’s hilarious! If we were to judge parties by their weakest links: loudmouth candidates, we can get a perverse perspective on what we might expect in our beloved country in the future.
Conservative Platform!
• Forced education for immigrants so they can learn to respect our laws.
• All natives are to ensure that they behave and are sober.
• 6-day moratorium before we can laugh about a disease.
• Only those who have not lost family in the war are allowed to criticize it.
• Poop jokes are funny again!
Liberal Platform!
• History books to include facts on CIA advanced knowledge of 9/11, and the broader Zionist conspiracy.
• Canada to declare war on Mohawk Nation.
NDP Platform!
• Export American traitors, and find avenues to pursue cruelty against both women and critics.
• Reduced age of sexual consent to 14. Government allowed to act pervish.
Uncomfortable Moments
“I’m pretty sure that my assassination song—y’know, the song that activates any latent conditioning to assassinate a prominent individual, would be Elton John’sYellow Brick Road. Beats me why, I’ve just always had a feeling.”
“Why do I keep that bell there? Oh, er, well, I can’t…y’know…finish, unless I hear the ringing of a bell.”
“I think you underestimate the difficulty of being Mayor of an Alaskan town of 6000 plus bears.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m pretty sure your toddler is tripping on Ecstasy.”
“Mrs. Doohan? About your husbands ashes…”
“From the bridge of a German U-Boat, all things appear possible.”
“Could you please stop calling me Patient Zero?”
“I’d like to request that Seal sings Kiss from a Rose at my funeral. Is there a form I can sign for that?”
“It’s not what you think – I just tossed a garbage bag full of pasta out of my apartment window.”
Understanding University Students
The Nodder
The Nodder believes that every lecture is personally addressed to him or her. They hear something from a professor which resonates so deeply within that they nod their head rhythmically in silent reverence, or to parlay a secret message to the professor that they are, in-fact, kindred spirits. The Nodder has deep respect for the professor, as this lecture in particular speaks to the Nodder’s field of expertise.
Extreme Cases: The hardcore Nodder may be so captivated by what the professor is saying that they mutter affirmatives between head-bobs, distracting their immediate peers.
Aspirations: To one-day be asked to lecture to a small army of students who hang on to every word he/she says.
Rehabilitation: Fortunately, the Nodder can be easily rehabilitated by placing them in a series of lectures where they have clearly less experience in the given subject matter than their peers.
The Questioneer
Unlike a questioner, a Questioneer interrupts a lecture with artificially constructed queries of limited relevance in order to express their keen interest in the subject matter to the professor. Typically, the questions they construct are monumental masterpieces which include blended of aspects of other lectures they have attended, abstract concepts they have pulled from unrelated literature as well as elements of topical current events. The Questioneer is one of the most disliked of university students by both professor and peers, as they frequently de-rail the rhythm of the lecture for a personal inquiry which only they would appreciate.
Extreme Cases: Questioneers unsatisfied with not being the centre-of-attention may apply themselves to the status of Slip-In-A-Personal-Anecdote-Questioneers. Adult students are highly susceptible to this phenomenon, particularly those who have either a) worked with others or b) had a personal life experience. That said, some of the more self-indulgent students may also disguise a shout-out to their volunteer work for a month in Ghana in a question about AIDS prevention in Angola.
Aspirations: To have the lecturer comment on the importance of the question they were just asked and immediately hire the Questioneer as a full-time assistant researcher.
Rehabilitation: Long-term Questioneers are very difficult to rehabilitate. These habits will spill over into the training courses, weekday seminars and workshops that they will participate in for the rest of their professional life. They will be loathed by their peers, and never know why.
The Broken Filter
The Broken Filter is unable to disseminate information they will need to recall later from superfluous information shared for listener interest. They are often seen with either a thick notebook or a laptop, scribbling or typing frantically as though they are sending instructions to soldiers in danger overseas. They lack the ability to listen to a lecture in its entirety, and can be quite distracting in their frequent page-turning and constant sighs and complaints of cramped fingers.
Extreme Cases: The worst Broken Filters may interrupt a lecture with either a request of “Can you please slow down/speak-up/spell-that?” or a more existential “Is this going to be on the exam?”
Aspirations: To achieve perfection without burning-out.
Rehabilitation: The broken-filter will most certainly end up self-destructive if they do not develop the skill sets necessary to separate important from irrelevant information. They will also carry a deep-seated bitterness and loathing towards those misanthropes who choose to take no notes at all, yet receive superior grades. Rehabilitation is highly unlikely, but when it does happen, it is usually only as a by-product of substance abuse.
The Gamer
The Gamer is one of the rarest student specimens, and is relatively harmless to other students. Disinterested in the lecture, instead of not attending they choose to attend out of a latent irrational fear that the professor would notice their absence and be so offended as to take punitive action against the student while grading his/her next exam. This child-like fear of the authority figure is counter-balanced by the silent act of rebellion by playing a game on a laptop brought under the guise of note-taking. The Gamer typically limits themselves to Solitaire, Minesweeper and Freecell, as all three programs can be quickly exited or minimized if something interesting happens needs to be recorded. The Gamer is most certainly not self-conscious, as they are willing to let their obvious disregard for the lecture be known to all who stand in a 90 degree radius behind them. While the Gamer student was once typically male, these days both genders can display their disinterest in the course material comfortably so long as the game is one that comes free with Microsoft Windows.
Extreme Cases: More hardcore Gamers can be seen playing an elaborate action game on their laptops, sometimes even against other students. The frequent clicking of their mouse and inability to look up from the screen typically gives away their actions to all, including the professor.
Aspirations: To be teh l33t.
Rehabilitation: The Gamer is self-rehabilitating, either snapping and simply not attending classes altogether, or dropping out of the class after failing their first exam.
The Mechanic
The Mechanic believes that they will have an advantage over their peers by using electronics during a lecture. This may include: photographing notes on a chalkboard, using a tape-recorder, filming the lecture, or using a portable organizer. They were the first to buy a laptop and take notes in Word while everyone else was using a pen and pencil like a sucker who didn’t want to spend $2000.
Extreme Cases: The worst Mechanic might install their own microphone at the podium before a lecture.
Aspirations: To push that B to a B+.
Rehabilitation: Most Mechanics will forget to charge, forget to use or forget to review their special equipment for documenting the scene at some point, and then be completely unable to learn from the class. When this happens, they will self-rehabilitate.
Song Lyrics that Demand Further Clarification (Part Two)
"You know say daddy me snow me-a gon blame
A licky boom-boom down"
-Snow, Informer
Ohhhhhh...a licky boom-boom down! It makes more sense when you look up the lyrics.
“Slowly walking down the hall,
Faster than a cannonball,
Where were you when we were getting high?”
-Oasis, Champagne Supernova
Slowly walking faster than a cannonball? Damn you, Liam Gallagher...and anyone else named Gallagher too!
"I drive a Rolls Royce,
Cos it's good for my voice."
-T-Rex
Great song, awful lyrics.
“Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in this town.”
-Thin Lizzy, Jailbreak
Here's a clue: it'll be at the jail.
List of Things That Could Not Exist Without Apple
The lithium-ion battery industry.
Cansei de Ser Sexy
Consumer hype disguising itself as expressions of uniqueness and creativity.
33% price drops after two months of retail.
The word “funnest”.
People in Halifax being awake at 2 a.m.
Silhouettes of white people dancing.
Paying $1000 for a desktop pattern.
30,000 jobs in Longhua and Suzhou.
A marketing budget exponentially larger than a manufacturing budget.
CNN's technology articles.
Phones we like to rub excessively.
Lost Screenplay to Captain Planet Movie
EXT. HOPE ISLAND, a large tropical paradise with a massive, impossible-to-miss crystal formation in its core.
INT. GAIA’S CONTROL ROOM
WHEELER, LINKA, KWAME and GI arrive simultaneously enter through different doors into a room filled with thousands of cameras showing pictures of jungles, forests and penguins.
“Welcome Planeteers. Although, it has been ten years since you have last seen each other, I wish it was under better circumstances. Once again Earth is in danger and needs your help.”
LINKA
“Vhat is wrong, Gaia?”
GAIA
“Humans are too dependant on oil! Your respective cultures are obsessed with war and conflict! Overpopulation is likely to bring upon a global collapse and global warming threatens the future of all life on the planet! Earth needs its heroes again, and thus I am returning you your magic rings.”
WHEELER“Yeah, I’m out.”
GI
“What?”
WHEELER
“I’m not buying into that liberal fear-mongering, sorry.”
KWAME
“What the hell are you talking about Wheeler?!”
WHEELER
“You guys should try reading a book. There’s plenty of oil out there, and even if there wasn’t, more and more people are turning to hybrid-cars. Our ‘wars and conflicts’ liberate societies oppressed by dictators who murder their own citizens and install democracies. Scarcity from overpopulation? Please. Self-interest leads us to constantly strive at the creation of new resources where old resources are becoming scarce and expensive. This is the path to profit for the individual - and progress for all. One needs a certain amount of willful blindness to avoid seeing the process in action now and in recent history. And don’t even get me started on that great work of fiction and spin known as global warming!”
GI
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What a pile of right-wing horse-shit! What the hell happened to you, Wheeler? You used to be our most proactive activist. You used to believe in a better future for our kids!”
WHEELER
“Yeah, well, volunteering with the Planeteers was fun and all that, but I had student loans to pay off. Then I had to go out and find a decent job. Unfortunately for Earth, environmental activism doesn’t exactly feed the wife and kids. I mean, do you have any clue how much children’s hockey equipment costs? How did you make ends meet?”
GI
“I worked for an NGO, like we all promised we’d do!”
LINKA
“Meh. I boosted cars for a while.”
WHEELER
“Besides, do you have any idea how many lives are sustained by Amazon logging companies and Indonesian sweatshops? Every time we shut one of those places down, we put thousands of people out of work. Where’s their next meal going to come from?”
KWAME
(contemplatively)
“Hmmm. Wheeler may be on to something…”
GI
“Kwame!”
KWAME
“No, I mean, what right do we even have to interfere in state policies. When do our actions cross the line into full-blown terrorism?”
LINKA
“Actually, yeah. Remember that time Captain Planet grabbed Verminous Skumm and Sly Sludge and tossed them both into space? That’s not right. You’d think they’d get a fair trial or something.”
WHEELER
“Exactly. Plus, remember that Tsunami that struck Thailand? You ever wonder if that had anything to do with the time Kwame got a little drunk and started firing the Earth ring into the ocean that night after we defeated Dr. Blight?”
KWAME
“That could have been started by anyone’s Earth ring…”
WHEELER
“And you, Linka, I’m pretty sure both you and Gi said you were going on vacation together in New Orleans back in 2005.”
GI
“Fucking pyro hypocrite. Everybody knows who started the California wildfires!”
GAIA
“Fucking enough! Just put on your fucking rings and summon Captain Planet.”
WHEELER
“Whatever. Fine.”
KWAME
“Let our powers combine. EARTH!!!!”
WHEELER
“FIRE!!!!!!!!”
LINKA
“WEEEIIIND!!!!”
GI
“WAH-TAH!!!”
MAH-TI
“Hey guys….”
MAH-TI
“…”
MAH-TI
“HEART!!!!!!!!!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“When your powers combine…I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!”
WHEELER
“Nice mullet.”
GI
“Captain Planet, you embody the spirit of the Earth, please, tell us what we can do to stop this future that Gaia has seen in her magic crystal display!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“…”
GI
“…”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“I’m sorry; I’m so high right now.”
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