My Colleagues

My colleagues revel, in excessive negativity.
Putting others down, makes them feel good.
Your poem sucks.
This sucks.
I hate you forever and ever and ever.
Say my colleagues.

The Quiet Departure of Gary Ingram

Office Birthday/Baby Shower/Retirement Party Scoreboard

1 point if you’ve never met the person being celebrated.
1 point for every empty chair.
1 point every time somebody is described as “impossible to replace”.
1 points every time somebody comments on the tastiness of a piece of cake.
1 point for every time a string of inane comments is punctuated by nervous laughter.
1 point every time somebody references coming back into the office when supposed to be on-leave/retired.
1 point for every person staring at their food or the floor while seated.

2 points for every person sitting with two empty seats either side.
2 points every time somebody references golf or home renovations.
2 points for every speech given by a manager or boss.

3 points if the person being celebrated has to be introduced to everyone.
3 points every time somebody makes a pun involving their work, or place of work.
3 points every time somebody asks who will be the next employee to have a birthday//baby shower/retirement.

My last office party scored 18 points!