String Theory
The whole world is held together by teeny-tiny strings that are so small you can’t even see them through a microscope. When these strings are tugged at, it can create a black hole in the fabric of the universe.
Global Warming
Global warming happens every year for about six months before it starts to get colder again. Despite what the politicians say, it does not affect everybody negatively. For example, when global warming makes things hotter in North America, it makes things cooler in Australia.
Tides
The ocean water rises and falls because there are trace amounts of iron in the water that are attracted to the magnetic pull of the Moon.
Absolute Zero
Absolute zero is the lowest possible zero, first discovered by Ancient Egyptians before they figured out fractions.
E=MC^2
Albert Einstein was the smartest guy in the world. Even after he died, nobody could ever figure out what the significance of this equation was. Some say it’s the secret to time-travel. The Russians had their own secret version of this equation during the cold war. Fun fact: People were writing E=MC^2 so much, that it led to the invention of superscript.
F=MA
A measure by which Ministers determine the quality of their sermons, as faith is equal to the size of one’s congregation (mass) multiplied by their attendance.
Power Generation
While power produced from the movement of electrons has high energy costs, power produced from neutrons is usually free of charge.
Periodic Table of Elements
The are five elements on the periodic table. Fire, Earth, Wind, Water and Heart. Some also argue that Leeloo is the fifth element.
Cliff Notes for Science!
Goofin' off with the Google Charts API
Just learned how to use this today. Charts made entirely using uniform resource locator code.
Cool!
Understanding University Students
The Nodder
The Nodder believes that every lecture is personally addressed to him or her. They hear something from a professor which resonates so deeply within that they nod their head rhythmically in silent reverence, or to parlay a secret message to the professor that they are, in-fact, kindred spirits. The Nodder has deep respect for the professor, as this lecture in particular speaks to the Nodder’s field of expertise.
Extreme Cases: The hardcore Nodder may be so captivated by what the professor is saying that they mutter affirmatives between head-bobs, distracting their immediate peers.
Aspirations: To one-day be asked to lecture to a small army of students who hang on to every word he/she says.
Rehabilitation: Fortunately, the Nodder can be easily rehabilitated by placing them in a series of lectures where they have clearly less experience in the given subject matter than their peers.
The Questioneer
Unlike a questioner, a Questioneer interrupts a lecture with artificially constructed queries of limited relevance in order to express their keen interest in the subject matter to the professor. Typically, the questions they construct are monumental masterpieces which include blended of aspects of other lectures they have attended, abstract concepts they have pulled from unrelated literature as well as elements of topical current events. The Questioneer is one of the most disliked of university students by both professor and peers, as they frequently de-rail the rhythm of the lecture for a personal inquiry which only they would appreciate.
Extreme Cases: Questioneers unsatisfied with not being the centre-of-attention may apply themselves to the status of Slip-In-A-Personal-Anecdote-Questioneers. Adult students are highly susceptible to this phenomenon, particularly those who have either a) worked with others or b) had a personal life experience. That said, some of the more self-indulgent students may also disguise a shout-out to their volunteer work for a month in Ghana in a question about AIDS prevention in Angola.
Aspirations: To have the lecturer comment on the importance of the question they were just asked and immediately hire the Questioneer as a full-time assistant researcher.
Rehabilitation: Long-term Questioneers are very difficult to rehabilitate. These habits will spill over into the training courses, weekday seminars and workshops that they will participate in for the rest of their professional life. They will be loathed by their peers, and never know why.
The Broken Filter
The Broken Filter is unable to disseminate information they will need to recall later from superfluous information shared for listener interest. They are often seen with either a thick notebook or a laptop, scribbling or typing frantically as though they are sending instructions to soldiers in danger overseas. They lack the ability to listen to a lecture in its entirety, and can be quite distracting in their frequent page-turning and constant sighs and complaints of cramped fingers.
Extreme Cases: The worst Broken Filters may interrupt a lecture with either a request of “Can you please slow down/speak-up/spell-that?” or a more existential “Is this going to be on the exam?”
Aspirations: To achieve perfection without burning-out.
Rehabilitation: The broken-filter will most certainly end up self-destructive if they do not develop the skill sets necessary to separate important from irrelevant information. They will also carry a deep-seated bitterness and loathing towards those misanthropes who choose to take no notes at all, yet receive superior grades. Rehabilitation is highly unlikely, but when it does happen, it is usually only as a by-product of substance abuse.
The Gamer
The Gamer is one of the rarest student specimens, and is relatively harmless to other students. Disinterested in the lecture, instead of not attending they choose to attend out of a latent irrational fear that the professor would notice their absence and be so offended as to take punitive action against the student while grading his/her next exam. This child-like fear of the authority figure is counter-balanced by the silent act of rebellion by playing a game on a laptop brought under the guise of note-taking. The Gamer typically limits themselves to Solitaire, Minesweeper and Freecell, as all three programs can be quickly exited or minimized if something interesting happens needs to be recorded. The Gamer is most certainly not self-conscious, as they are willing to let their obvious disregard for the lecture be known to all who stand in a 90 degree radius behind them. While the Gamer student was once typically male, these days both genders can display their disinterest in the course material comfortably so long as the game is one that comes free with Microsoft Windows.
Extreme Cases: More hardcore Gamers can be seen playing an elaborate action game on their laptops, sometimes even against other students. The frequent clicking of their mouse and inability to look up from the screen typically gives away their actions to all, including the professor.
Aspirations: To be teh l33t.
Rehabilitation: The Gamer is self-rehabilitating, either snapping and simply not attending classes altogether, or dropping out of the class after failing their first exam.
The Mechanic
The Mechanic believes that they will have an advantage over their peers by using electronics during a lecture. This may include: photographing notes on a chalkboard, using a tape-recorder, filming the lecture, or using a portable organizer. They were the first to buy a laptop and take notes in Word while everyone else was using a pen and pencil like a sucker who didn’t want to spend $2000.
Extreme Cases: The worst Mechanic might install their own microphone at the podium before a lecture.
Aspirations: To push that B to a B+.
Rehabilitation: Most Mechanics will forget to charge, forget to use or forget to review their special equipment for documenting the scene at some point, and then be completely unable to learn from the class. When this happens, they will self-rehabilitate.
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