“I’m pretty sure that my assassination song—y’know, the song that activates any latent conditioning to assassinate a prominent individual, would be Elton John’sYellow Brick Road. Beats me why, I’ve just always had a feeling.”
“Why do I keep that bell there? Oh, er, well, I can’t…y’know…finish, unless I hear the ringing of a bell.”
“I think you underestimate the difficulty of being Mayor of an Alaskan town of 6000 plus bears.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m pretty sure your toddler is tripping on Ecstasy.”
“Mrs. Doohan? About your husbands ashes…”
“From the bridge of a German U-Boat, all things appear possible.”
“Could you please stop calling me Patient Zero?”
“I’d like to request that Seal sings Kiss from a Rose at my funeral. Is there a form I can sign for that?”
“It’s not what you think – I just tossed a garbage bag full of pasta out of my apartment window.”
Uncomfortable Moments
Emo Outdoor Rehabilitation College
“Returning youths to the human race since 2002”
If you are a parent evaluating boarding schools for a teen struggling with the challenges of a vacuous Emo culture, you may feel overwhelmed by all the options available to you. Parents with troubled teens who have struggled with finding solutions sometimes feel as if they have no place to turn. Maybe you have tried a number of treatments or interventions to get an Emo kid back on track, yet still find the solutions fall far short of the mark.
Our hectic, fast-paced society makes it more difficult for young people to make the transition from childhood to adulthood. Rites of passage like national fitness drills and school dances that once helped teens understand the growing responsibilities that come with age no longer play a major part in our chaotic world. Children and teens get many of their messages about how to act from inappropriate sources - from an individual peer group or the larger peer culture.
Troubled teens are often confused and frightened. Their practiced poises of depression or indifference reflect their confusion and fear. The first step in saving a child from a self-destructive path of tight pants, black horn-rimmed glasses and messy, swooped hair style is to realize you need professional help.
What parents need to know about Emo:
In recent years the popular media has associated Emo with a stereotype that includes being emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, or angsty. It is also associated with depression, self-injury, and suicide. Most importantly, it is associated with a combination of fashion marketing and a series of musical styles, all of which sucked tremendously on their own but gave new meaning to the word "fuckawful" when they combined into one, monstrous, marketing ploy.
Teens whose parents actively pursue help are the most likely to see a positive change.
What we offer:
We guarantee that upon the completion of our 4-month boot-camp including a two-week wilderness trek, your teenager will return home with a renewed sense of optimism and purpose.
Program Details:
1 Week Detoxification
- New arrivals are taken to the facility barber, clothing and personal articles are collected by facility staff. Students are issued standardized collared shirts and blue jeans before spending several days starved in isolation chambers looking broody and deep in silence. iPods, eyeliner, hair products, cameras, cell-phones, pens, pencils, computers and parent’s credit cards are forbidden.
2 Weeks Breaking Down Barriers
- Students are invited to discuss non-musical, non-romantic or non-depressing topics with each other. Suggested examples may include: wildebeest migration patterns, winning the lottery, carpentry, curling or String Theory.
- Students engage in a series of non-Emo activities which include tennis, kite-flying, tractor pull and building an igloo (winter).
4 Weeks Situational Analysis
- Students experience four week-long simulations of the life of a Sudanese mother, a fire-fighter, an emergency-ward nurse, a Chinese Falun Gong practitioner. Comparisons are made between their conspicuous consumption and suffering to those of their experiences.
2 Weeks Advanced Situational Analysis
- Students spend one week at Fort Leonard Wood in Waynesville, Missouri. Students engage in character-building exercises that teach fitness, loyalty, duty, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. Upon completion of their training at Fort Leonard Wood, they are to spend a week volunteering at an urban mission for the homeless.
2 Weeks Musical Appreciation
- Students will be exposed to Elvis, Bob Dylan, Chuck Berry, The Grateful Dead, Led Zeppelin and Bob Marley amongst others. The importance of lyrical and melodic development will be stressed.
2 Weeks Group Therapy
- Students will be invited to discuss how they are in fact loved by their friends and family, that life is pretty good for white middle-class Americans, and that they lack the knowledge and experience to understand the fleeting nature of their affections.
2 Weeks Purpose Finding
- Students are invited to begin learning a skill, explore their own value systems and set objectives for what they seek to accomplish in their lifetimes.
2 Week Wilderness-Trek
- Students will be taken on a camping expedition in a remote boreal preserve where they will participate in zip-lining, trust-exercises and cage-fighting with a 1,700 lb grizzly bear. Survivors will return to the facility for pickup.
Itinerary for the most Awesome Wedding in History
Saturday Morning
8:00 am – Prepare for arrival of spotlights.
9:00 am – Carving of altar and pews in ice begins.
Saturday Evening (Antarctic)
3:00 pm - 3:30 pm - Chefs and ingredients for reception dinner airdropped from various locations.
4:00 pm - Guests begin to arrive, are entertained by unscripted awkwardness of Ricky Gervais.
6:05 pm – CV-22 Osprey at 10,000 feet.
6:09 pm – Hardcore speed-metal band starts playing thrash guitar.
6:10 pm – Bride and groom jump out of aircraft on the backs of two armour-plated polar bears.
6:10-6:13 pm – Freefall. Custom parachutes are opened. Bears and passengers land safely on iceberg.
6:13 pm – Polar bears run down red carpet to designated places. Bride and groom hop off.
6:15 pm – Secular minister begins ceremony.
6:40 pm – Exchange of vows in English, read by Kenneth Branagh. Penguin sacrificial altar.
6:50 pm – Bride and groom kiss. Queue fireworks. Metal band cues up again.
7:00 pm – 40-Billion Candlepower Spotlights turned on. Queue Val Kilmer’s microphone – “Miracle three.”
7:02 pm – Bride, groom, bears, wedding party and guests exit to parked cruise ship as iceberg melts around spotlights.
7:30 pm – Wedding photos, both traditional and avant-garde.
8:00 pm – Reception begins. Gold commemorative statue unveiled. Aerosmith, Run DMC and London Philharmonic Orchestra begin their musical acts.
9:00 pm - Comedic toasts from the wedding party commence. Laughter assured.
12:00 pm – Violin orchestra assembled in honeymoon sweet.
12:40 pm – Bride and groom exit reception.
1:00 am – Epic consummation ceremony documented by Sofia Coppola.
Sunday
10:00 am – Fireworks end.
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