Following the Canadian elections is so pedestrian. Now following election fuck-ups, that’s hilarious! If we were to judge parties by their weakest links: loudmouth candidates, we can get a perverse perspective on what we might expect in our beloved country in the future.
Conservative Platform!
• Forced education for immigrants so they can learn to respect our laws.
• All natives are to ensure that they behave and are sober.
• 6-day moratorium before we can laugh about a disease.
• Only those who have not lost family in the war are allowed to criticize it.
• Poop jokes are funny again!
Liberal Platform!
• History books to include facts on CIA advanced knowledge of 9/11, and the broader Zionist conspiracy.
• Canada to declare war on Mohawk Nation.
NDP Platform!
• Export American traitors, and find avenues to pursue cruelty against both women and critics.
• Reduced age of sexual consent to 14. Government allowed to act pervish.
If We Took Candidates Seriously...
Laurasian Presidential Election Debates, 65,350,878 BCE
Moderator: “Let's now begin the questioning. Senator Utahraptor, your party's leader in the Laurasian Senate, Parasaurolophus, recently said the war against Gondwana is lost. A letter to the Laurasian Post calls his comments "treasonous" and says if General Tyrannosaur were alive today, he would "wipe his oversized boots" with Parasaurolophus. Do you agree with the position of your leader in the Senate?”
Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Thank you, Senator. Senator Velociraptor, you have been a long-time proponent of the controversial theory that dinosaurs are the actual descendants from smaller reptiles. Some have stated that this theory, sometimes referred to as intelligent selection, should be taught alongside the more commonly accepted principle of spontaneous generation. If elected, would you propose equal time for both theories in our public schools?
Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Senator, time. Thank you very much. Senator Utahraptor, you have stated that you strongly support slashing the what you have called the "irresponsibly wasteful" budget of our national space program in order to provide the much-needed additional funds for both social programs and the war in Gondwana. Do you believe there will be negative repercussions to abandoning those core-sciences for more terrestrial concerns?
Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Senator Velocriaptor?”
Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
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