Unicorns are real, and it took no less than 30 minutes for somebody to discover that eating their shit will prolong your life.
The pieces to IKEA furniture are actually excreted by a sentient space lobster named “Flarfen” who is starting to wonder if he will ever get to meet the President of the United States of America.
Paul Gross’s first draft of Passchendaele was actually a 5-minute, $100,000 budget vignette where he lined up approximately 150 chimpanzees in a muddy field and proceeded to gun them down with a Vickers Machine Gun. The studios demanded a love-story be included.
Jerry O’Connell finally slid into a dimension where he could find work.
The Toyota Highlander is, regrettably, not immortal. It’s just a hybrid.
Indie alternate-punk band The Fizzlepigs do not, in fact, exist.
Today's Surprises
Cliff Notes for Science!
String Theory
The whole world is held together by teeny-tiny strings that are so small you can’t even see them through a microscope. When these strings are tugged at, it can create a black hole in the fabric of the universe.
Global Warming
Global warming happens every year for about six months before it starts to get colder again. Despite what the politicians say, it does not affect everybody negatively. For example, when global warming makes things hotter in North America, it makes things cooler in Australia.
Tides
The ocean water rises and falls because there are trace amounts of iron in the water that are attracted to the magnetic pull of the Moon.
Absolute Zero
Absolute zero is the lowest possible zero, first discovered by Ancient Egyptians before they figured out fractions.
E=MC^2
Albert Einstein was the smartest guy in the world. Even after he died, nobody could ever figure out what the significance of this equation was. Some say it’s the secret to time-travel. The Russians had their own secret version of this equation during the cold war. Fun fact: People were writing E=MC^2 so much, that it led to the invention of superscript.
F=MA
A measure by which Ministers determine the quality of their sermons, as faith is equal to the size of one’s congregation (mass) multiplied by their attendance.
Power Generation
While power produced from the movement of electrons has high energy costs, power produced from neutrons is usually free of charge.
Periodic Table of Elements
The are five elements on the periodic table. Fire, Earth, Wind, Water and Heart. Some also argue that Leeloo is the fifth element.
Original Cartoon
I decided I didn't think today's entry was funny enough, so at the last minute I pulled it and will instead use this cartoon -- my first to ever see newsprint.
Again, apologies for the low resolution. Click to enlarge.
Poetry Slam
5 Years Old
Exxon Valdez.
Nine-Eleven. YouTube.
Baconater. Bre-X. Battlefield Earth.
Two Girls.
One Cup.
I will grow up in an age without heroes.
Except Spiderman.
10 Years Old
Watching Who’s The Boss
Samantha makes my pants stir.
Ay-oh. Oh-ay.
15 Years Old
u r pwnzrd n00b
fag
I am so alone.
20 Years Old
In every university,
There's a special prof,
With whom you will develop
A timeless bond.
There will come a special time
that you’ll think
way back and say "That teacher
really cared!"
So why doesn’t the bitch keep office hours?
25 Years Old
Tappada-tappada-tappada.
Tappada-click-tappada.
Click-tappada-tappada.
Click-tappada-click.
Tappada-tappada-click.
Click-click-click.
Was it a pretty day?
Breaking The Fourth Wall
Hey you.
Read this poem.
You obey me.
Dog
It’s dinner time.
It’s dinner time.
It’s dinner time.
Blood kill death.
Shut up and look at him for lamb.
Donkey Berlin
Donkey-Hitler is in his bunker.
Bites the cyanide capsule and descends.
Into Satan’s ass-hole.
Goofin' off with the Google Charts API
Just learned how to use this today. Charts made entirely using uniform resource locator code.
Cool!
Cagematch! (Peter O’Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II)
Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to Who's Da Boss, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segments, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.
Peter O'Toole vs. Kaiser Wilhelm II
EXT. An octagonal chain-linked cage.
Two gladiators approach each other from opposite sides. They are PETER O’TOOLE and KAISER WILHELM II.
"What ho!"
WILHELM II
"Gruß-Ire, was holt Sie zu diesem Kampf?"
O’Toole places a little slivery fish in his ear.
O’TOOLE
"What ho!"
WILHELM II
"Greetings Irishman. What brings you to this fight?"
O'TOOLE
"I was wondering that myself…it may have something to do with the fact that I won an Academy Award for my wonderful performance as one of the most important figures in modern English history, largely responsible for much of the geo-political layout of the Middle East as we know it today."
WILHELM II
"I see. So you’re an actor?"
O’TOOLE
"An actor playing a hero, yes. What do you do?"
WILHELM II
"My ineptitude as a foreign politician was a factor in the First World War."
O’TOOLE
"So….not an actor?"
WILHELM II
"No."
O’TOOLE
"Interesting. Well, let’s fight."
WILHELM II
"Very well."
Wilhelm II throws a POINTY HAT at Peter O’Toole, which is symbolic of the BULK OF KNOWLEDGE THE AVERAGE PERSON HAS OF GERMAN CULTURE PRE-1939.
"Take that!"
Peter O’Toole ACTS.
"Look, I’m now in Phantoms with Ben Affleck!"
The movie is AWFUL, Wilhelm CLUTCHES HIS CHEST.
"Aye, there’s the rub!"
Wilhelm II manages to BUILD A MASSIVE NAVY in NEXT TO NO TIME.
"Not today, bootlicker."
O’Toole puts on a copy of Goodbye, Mr. Chips....which is FUCKING LACKLUSTRE and a POOR CAREER MOVE, the NAVY EXPLODES for some reason.
"I have one last trick up my sleeve, villain!"
Wilhelm II ABDICATES and GOES INTO EXILE as a RAMBLING, SENILE, ANTI-SEMITE…not unlike BOBBY FISCHER.
"Victory by default!"
And it was.
If We Took Candidates Seriously...
Following the Canadian elections is so pedestrian. Now following election fuck-ups, that’s hilarious! If we were to judge parties by their weakest links: loudmouth candidates, we can get a perverse perspective on what we might expect in our beloved country in the future.
Conservative Platform!
• Forced education for immigrants so they can learn to respect our laws.
• All natives are to ensure that they behave and are sober.
• 6-day moratorium before we can laugh about a disease.
• Only those who have not lost family in the war are allowed to criticize it.
• Poop jokes are funny again!
Liberal Platform!
• History books to include facts on CIA advanced knowledge of 9/11, and the broader Zionist conspiracy.
• Canada to declare war on Mohawk Nation.
NDP Platform!
• Export American traitors, and find avenues to pursue cruelty against both women and critics.
• Reduced age of sexual consent to 14. Government allowed to act pervish.
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