“I’m pretty sure that my assassination song—y’know, the song that activates any latent conditioning to assassinate a prominent individual, would be Elton John’sYellow Brick Road. Beats me why, I’ve just always had a feeling.”
“Why do I keep that bell there? Oh, er, well, I can’t…y’know…finish, unless I hear the ringing of a bell.”
“I think you underestimate the difficulty of being Mayor of an Alaskan town of 6000 plus bears.”
“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m pretty sure your toddler is tripping on Ecstasy.”
“Mrs. Doohan? About your husbands ashes…”
“From the bridge of a German U-Boat, all things appear possible.”
“Could you please stop calling me Patient Zero?”
“I’d like to request that Seal sings Kiss from a Rose at my funeral. Is there a form I can sign for that?”
“It’s not what you think – I just tossed a garbage bag full of pasta out of my apartment window.”
Uncomfortable Moments
Understanding University Students
The Nodder
The Nodder believes that every lecture is personally addressed to him or her. They hear something from a professor which resonates so deeply within that they nod their head rhythmically in silent reverence, or to parlay a secret message to the professor that they are, in-fact, kindred spirits. The Nodder has deep respect for the professor, as this lecture in particular speaks to the Nodder’s field of expertise.
Extreme Cases: The hardcore Nodder may be so captivated by what the professor is saying that they mutter affirmatives between head-bobs, distracting their immediate peers.
Aspirations: To one-day be asked to lecture to a small army of students who hang on to every word he/she says.
Rehabilitation: Fortunately, the Nodder can be easily rehabilitated by placing them in a series of lectures where they have clearly less experience in the given subject matter than their peers.
The Questioneer
Unlike a questioner, a Questioneer interrupts a lecture with artificially constructed queries of limited relevance in order to express their keen interest in the subject matter to the professor. Typically, the questions they construct are monumental masterpieces which include blended of aspects of other lectures they have attended, abstract concepts they have pulled from unrelated literature as well as elements of topical current events. The Questioneer is one of the most disliked of university students by both professor and peers, as they frequently de-rail the rhythm of the lecture for a personal inquiry which only they would appreciate.
Extreme Cases: Questioneers unsatisfied with not being the centre-of-attention may apply themselves to the status of Slip-In-A-Personal-Anecdote-Questioneers. Adult students are highly susceptible to this phenomenon, particularly those who have either a) worked with others or b) had a personal life experience. That said, some of the more self-indulgent students may also disguise a shout-out to their volunteer work for a month in Ghana in a question about AIDS prevention in Angola.
Aspirations: To have the lecturer comment on the importance of the question they were just asked and immediately hire the Questioneer as a full-time assistant researcher.
Rehabilitation: Long-term Questioneers are very difficult to rehabilitate. These habits will spill over into the training courses, weekday seminars and workshops that they will participate in for the rest of their professional life. They will be loathed by their peers, and never know why.
The Broken Filter
The Broken Filter is unable to disseminate information they will need to recall later from superfluous information shared for listener interest. They are often seen with either a thick notebook or a laptop, scribbling or typing frantically as though they are sending instructions to soldiers in danger overseas. They lack the ability to listen to a lecture in its entirety, and can be quite distracting in their frequent page-turning and constant sighs and complaints of cramped fingers.
Extreme Cases: The worst Broken Filters may interrupt a lecture with either a request of “Can you please slow down/speak-up/spell-that?” or a more existential “Is this going to be on the exam?”
Aspirations: To achieve perfection without burning-out.
Rehabilitation: The broken-filter will most certainly end up self-destructive if they do not develop the skill sets necessary to separate important from irrelevant information. They will also carry a deep-seated bitterness and loathing towards those misanthropes who choose to take no notes at all, yet receive superior grades. Rehabilitation is highly unlikely, but when it does happen, it is usually only as a by-product of substance abuse.
The Gamer
The Gamer is one of the rarest student specimens, and is relatively harmless to other students. Disinterested in the lecture, instead of not attending they choose to attend out of a latent irrational fear that the professor would notice their absence and be so offended as to take punitive action against the student while grading his/her next exam. This child-like fear of the authority figure is counter-balanced by the silent act of rebellion by playing a game on a laptop brought under the guise of note-taking. The Gamer typically limits themselves to Solitaire, Minesweeper and Freecell, as all three programs can be quickly exited or minimized if something interesting happens needs to be recorded. The Gamer is most certainly not self-conscious, as they are willing to let their obvious disregard for the lecture be known to all who stand in a 90 degree radius behind them. While the Gamer student was once typically male, these days both genders can display their disinterest in the course material comfortably so long as the game is one that comes free with Microsoft Windows.
Extreme Cases: More hardcore Gamers can be seen playing an elaborate action game on their laptops, sometimes even against other students. The frequent clicking of their mouse and inability to look up from the screen typically gives away their actions to all, including the professor.
Aspirations: To be teh l33t.
Rehabilitation: The Gamer is self-rehabilitating, either snapping and simply not attending classes altogether, or dropping out of the class after failing their first exam.
The Mechanic
The Mechanic believes that they will have an advantage over their peers by using electronics during a lecture. This may include: photographing notes on a chalkboard, using a tape-recorder, filming the lecture, or using a portable organizer. They were the first to buy a laptop and take notes in Word while everyone else was using a pen and pencil like a sucker who didn’t want to spend $2000.
Extreme Cases: The worst Mechanic might install their own microphone at the podium before a lecture.
Aspirations: To push that B to a B+.
Rehabilitation: Most Mechanics will forget to charge, forget to use or forget to review their special equipment for documenting the scene at some point, and then be completely unable to learn from the class. When this happens, they will self-rehabilitate.
Song Lyrics that Demand Further Clarification (Part Two)
"You know say daddy me snow me-a gon blame
A licky boom-boom down"
-Snow, Informer
Ohhhhhh...a licky boom-boom down! It makes more sense when you look up the lyrics.
“Slowly walking down the hall,
Faster than a cannonball,
Where were you when we were getting high?”
-Oasis, Champagne Supernova
Slowly walking faster than a cannonball? Damn you, Liam Gallagher...and anyone else named Gallagher too!
"I drive a Rolls Royce,
Cos it's good for my voice."
-T-Rex
Great song, awful lyrics.
“Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in this town.”
-Thin Lizzy, Jailbreak
Here's a clue: it'll be at the jail.
List of Things That Could Not Exist Without Apple
The lithium-ion battery industry.
Cansei de Ser Sexy
Consumer hype disguising itself as expressions of uniqueness and creativity.
33% price drops after two months of retail.
The word “funnest”.
People in Halifax being awake at 2 a.m.
Silhouettes of white people dancing.
Paying $1000 for a desktop pattern.
30,000 jobs in Longhua and Suzhou.
A marketing budget exponentially larger than a manufacturing budget.
CNN's technology articles.
Phones we like to rub excessively.
Lost Screenplay to Captain Planet Movie
EXT. HOPE ISLAND, a large tropical paradise with a massive, impossible-to-miss crystal formation in its core.
INT. GAIA’S CONTROL ROOM
WHEELER, LINKA, KWAME and GI arrive simultaneously enter through different doors into a room filled with thousands of cameras showing pictures of jungles, forests and penguins.
“Welcome Planeteers. Although, it has been ten years since you have last seen each other, I wish it was under better circumstances. Once again Earth is in danger and needs your help.”
LINKA
“Vhat is wrong, Gaia?”
GAIA
“Humans are too dependant on oil! Your respective cultures are obsessed with war and conflict! Overpopulation is likely to bring upon a global collapse and global warming threatens the future of all life on the planet! Earth needs its heroes again, and thus I am returning you your magic rings.”
WHEELER“Yeah, I’m out.”
GI
“What?”
WHEELER
“I’m not buying into that liberal fear-mongering, sorry.”
KWAME
“What the hell are you talking about Wheeler?!”
WHEELER
“You guys should try reading a book. There’s plenty of oil out there, and even if there wasn’t, more and more people are turning to hybrid-cars. Our ‘wars and conflicts’ liberate societies oppressed by dictators who murder their own citizens and install democracies. Scarcity from overpopulation? Please. Self-interest leads us to constantly strive at the creation of new resources where old resources are becoming scarce and expensive. This is the path to profit for the individual - and progress for all. One needs a certain amount of willful blindness to avoid seeing the process in action now and in recent history. And don’t even get me started on that great work of fiction and spin known as global warming!”
GI
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. What a pile of right-wing horse-shit! What the hell happened to you, Wheeler? You used to be our most proactive activist. You used to believe in a better future for our kids!”
WHEELER
“Yeah, well, volunteering with the Planeteers was fun and all that, but I had student loans to pay off. Then I had to go out and find a decent job. Unfortunately for Earth, environmental activism doesn’t exactly feed the wife and kids. I mean, do you have any clue how much children’s hockey equipment costs? How did you make ends meet?”
GI
“I worked for an NGO, like we all promised we’d do!”
LINKA
“Meh. I boosted cars for a while.”
WHEELER
“Besides, do you have any idea how many lives are sustained by Amazon logging companies and Indonesian sweatshops? Every time we shut one of those places down, we put thousands of people out of work. Where’s their next meal going to come from?”
KWAME
(contemplatively)
“Hmmm. Wheeler may be on to something…”
GI
“Kwame!”
KWAME
“No, I mean, what right do we even have to interfere in state policies. When do our actions cross the line into full-blown terrorism?”
LINKA
“Actually, yeah. Remember that time Captain Planet grabbed Verminous Skumm and Sly Sludge and tossed them both into space? That’s not right. You’d think they’d get a fair trial or something.”
WHEELER
“Exactly. Plus, remember that Tsunami that struck Thailand? You ever wonder if that had anything to do with the time Kwame got a little drunk and started firing the Earth ring into the ocean that night after we defeated Dr. Blight?”
KWAME
“That could have been started by anyone’s Earth ring…”
WHEELER
“And you, Linka, I’m pretty sure both you and Gi said you were going on vacation together in New Orleans back in 2005.”
GI
“Fucking pyro hypocrite. Everybody knows who started the California wildfires!”
GAIA
“Fucking enough! Just put on your fucking rings and summon Captain Planet.”
WHEELER
“Whatever. Fine.”
KWAME
“Let our powers combine. EARTH!!!!”
WHEELER
“FIRE!!!!!!!!”
LINKA
“WEEEIIIND!!!!”
GI
“WAH-TAH!!!”
MAH-TI
“Hey guys….”
MAH-TI
“…”
MAH-TI
“HEART!!!!!!!!!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“When your powers combine…I am CAPTAIN PLANET!!”
WHEELER
“Nice mullet.”
GI
“Captain Planet, you embody the spirit of the Earth, please, tell us what we can do to stop this future that Gaia has seen in her magic crystal display!”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“…”
GI
“…”
CAPTAIN PLANET
“I’m sorry; I’m so high right now.”
Cagematch! (Care Bears vs. Sauron)
Today's nerding-out includes excerpts from my contributions to Who's Da Boss, a selected affiliate of the Duck N. Cover Digest. In these segements, two people (real or fictional) are featured, and a detailed analysis to which would win in a cagematch to the death. Examples could include: David Suzuki vs. The Smoggies, If you're of the imaginative sort, feel free to leave a description of how you believe the fight would go in the comments.
The Care Bears vs. Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor
The Care Bears are awesome too in a way-random-late-80’s-toy-television-tie-in-nostalgia sort of way. But let’s not lose our way in producing this analysis. This is a death-match. A cage-fight. A pit slaughter. A cluster-fuck. Our gladiators are ready, and this is how it will go down.
In order to defeat Sauron, it took: 4 little-people, an old-man with the powers of a God, magic potions, magic rings, the entire human race, the undead, deus ex machina, luck, skill and planning. This was no fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants operation and Sauron was no weak pushover. In fact, the LAST time somebody fought Sauron, it was kind of a fluke that he succeeded in defeating him – kind of lacklustre, even for an era without cruise missiles.
The Care Bears are a one-trick pony. Asshole giving you shit? Care Bear stare. Wallet empty? Care Bear stare. Drug addiction? Care Bear stare. Generally sense of melancholy? You get the idea. They're like the Zoloft of super-heroes. Now, yes, the Care Bears have a reasonable amount of experience fighting wizards and their beastly-apprentices and loud-nieces…but No Heart is no Sauron. No Heart is like that “other” wizard, the one with that always redirects conversations back to himself and has a habit of spitting when he talks which kinda grosses everyone out but nobody talks about it. No Heart wasn't really Earth-conquering material, unlike Sauron, who’ll violate your face just for saying his name three times in a mirror…I think, I haven’t read those books in a while.
In a cage match, the Care Bears in question (in this case, all of them) would have to perform a collective Care Bear stare, which I imagine would look something like when all the green beams in the first Death Star converge to form a mega-beam which blows up Algeria (or at least that's what spell-check seems to think I meant to say). I don’t know if all the Care Bears have performed a massively-multiplayer-Care-Bear-stare before. I imagine at least a handful will show up late for the event, or be under the weather or something. Let’s assume a 90-95% turnout, which I think is a little optimistic, really. After that mega-stare hits Sauron, he would kind of stop in his tracks and go “Huh?” and then tear Lion-Heart’s head off of his body in a single fully-considered twitch. In seconds, hundreds of teddy bears would be tossed like rag-dolls at each other as predicted in the Book of Revelation. The evisceration would be bloody and relentless. Those that survive the haunting would be forever tormented by their secret pain and banished to the farthest reaches of the universe (the luckiest may find salvation by Sybok…but that’s another tale) as Sauron cuts through their peers like a knife through butter. There are no screams. There would be no time. Sauron would not even muster a smile under his doom-helm, for the bloodening required no effort on his part. In a New York minute, there would be only silence.
Emo Outdoor Rehabilitation College
“Returning youths to the human race since 2002”
If you are a parent evaluating boarding schools for a teen struggling with the challenges of a vacuous Emo culture, you may feel overwhelmed by all the options available to you. Parents with troubled teens who have struggled with finding solutions sometimes feel as if they have no place to turn. Maybe you have tried a number of treatments or interventions to get an Emo kid back on track, yet still find the solutions fall far short of the mark.
Our hectic, fast-paced society makes it more difficult for young people to make the transition from childhood to adulthood. Rites of passage like national fitness drills and school dances that once helped teens understand the growing responsibilities that come with age no longer play a major part in our chaotic world. Children and teens get many of their messages about how to act from inappropriate sources - from an individual peer group or the larger peer culture.
Troubled teens are often confused and frightened. Their practiced poises of depression or indifference reflect their confusion and fear. The first step in saving a child from a self-destructive path of tight pants, black horn-rimmed glasses and messy, swooped hair style is to realize you need professional help.
What parents need to know about Emo:
In recent years the popular media has associated Emo with a stereotype that includes being emotional, sensitive, shy, introverted, or angsty. It is also associated with depression, self-injury, and suicide. Most importantly, it is associated with a combination of fashion marketing and a series of musical styles, all of which sucked tremendously on their own but gave new meaning to the word "fuckawful" when they combined into one, monstrous, marketing ploy.
Teens whose parents actively pursue help are the most likely to see a positive change.
What we offer:
We guarantee that upon the completion of our 4-month boot-camp including a two-week wilderness trek, your teenager will return home with a renewed sense of optimism and purpose.
Program Details:
1 Week Detoxification
- New arrivals are taken to the facility barber, clothing and personal articles are collected by facility staff. Students are issued standardized collared shirts and blue jeans before spending several days starved in isolation chambers looking broody and deep in silence. iPods, eyeliner, hair products, cameras, cell-phones, pens, pencils, computers and parent’s credit cards are forbidden.
2 Weeks Breaking Down Barriers
- Students are invited to discuss non-musical, non-romantic or non-depressing topics with each other. Suggested examples may include: wildebeest migration patterns, winning the lottery, carpentry, curling or String Theory.
- Students engage in a series of non-Emo activities which include tennis, kite-flying, tractor pull and building an igloo (winter).
4 Weeks Situational Analysis
- Students experience four week-long simulations of the life of a Sudanese mother, a fire-fighter, an emergency-ward nurse, a Chinese Falun Gong practitioner. Comparisons are made between their conspicuous consumption and suffering to those of their experiences.
2 Weeks Advanced Situational Analysis
- Students spend one week at Fort Leonard Wood in Waynesville, Missouri. Students engage in character-building exercises that teach fitness, loyalty, duty, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. Upon completion of their training at Fort Leonard Wood, they are to spend a week volunteering at an urban mission for the homeless.
2 Weeks Musical Appreciation
- Students will be exposed to Elvis, Bob Dylan, Chuck Berry, The Grateful Dead, Led Zeppelin and Bob Marley amongst others. The importance of lyrical and melodic development will be stressed.
2 Weeks Group Therapy
- Students will be invited to discuss how they are in fact loved by their friends and family, that life is pretty good for white middle-class Americans, and that they lack the knowledge and experience to understand the fleeting nature of their affections.
2 Weeks Purpose Finding
- Students are invited to begin learning a skill, explore their own value systems and set objectives for what they seek to accomplish in their lifetimes.
2 Week Wilderness-Trek
- Students will be taken on a camping expedition in a remote boreal preserve where they will participate in zip-lining, trust-exercises and cage-fighting with a 1,700 lb grizzly bear. Survivors will return to the facility for pickup.
Parents Release Feral Child to Humane Society
OTTAWA - Only weeks after adopting a child raised by wolves for eight years, the Cartwright family of Nepean now reluctantly admits they have chosen to return him to the Humane Society where he was first adopted. “This decision was a difficult one for our family.” says Douglas Cartwright, “Scruffy was more than a feral child—he was a member of our family. However, unlike certain other members of our family, we can get rid of him if he gets to be a pain-in-the-ass.”
The Cartwright’s point to the spoiling of their favorite rug, the unruly child’s constant growling and public defecation as the primary reasons for abandoning him. Says Maria Cartwright, “Maybe they’ll take him back, maybe they won’t. In either case, that wretch isn’t living with us. I’ll release him back into the woods if I have to.”
The Cartwright’s have vowed to feed the feral child an elaborate steak dinner before returning him to the organization dedicated to the rehabilitation of unwanted pets.
Laurasian Presidential Election Debates, 65,350,878 BCE
Moderator: “Let's now begin the questioning. Senator Utahraptor, your party's leader in the Laurasian Senate, Parasaurolophus, recently said the war against Gondwana is lost. A letter to the Laurasian Post calls his comments "treasonous" and says if General Tyrannosaur were alive today, he would "wipe his oversized boots" with Parasaurolophus. Do you agree with the position of your leader in the Senate?”
Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Thank you, Senator. Senator Velociraptor, you have been a long-time proponent of the controversial theory that dinosaurs are the actual descendants from smaller reptiles. Some have stated that this theory, sometimes referred to as intelligent selection, should be taught alongside the more commonly accepted principle of spontaneous generation. If elected, would you propose equal time for both theories in our public schools?
Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Senator, time. Thank you very much. Senator Utahraptor, you have stated that you strongly support slashing the what you have called the "irresponsibly wasteful" budget of our national space program in order to provide the much-needed additional funds for both social programs and the war in Gondwana. Do you believe there will be negative repercussions to abandoning those core-sciences for more terrestrial concerns?
Rep. Senator Utahraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Moderator: “Senator Velocriaptor?”
Dem. Senator Velociraptor: “Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!!!”
Discuss
You know that scene in Jurassic Park when Sam Neill and those kids reach the visitor's center safely? Sam Neill tells them he'll be back soon and leaves, then little Timmy’s eyes go wide as he spots the massive table of desserts sitting out in the open.
What the hell was that all about?
A storm was coming; all the staff was ordered off the island. You would think the chefs would have put that stuff away, right?
Man that irks me.
Song Lyrics that Demand Further Clarification
"Like a rock
Chargin' from the gate"
--Bob Seger, Like a Rock
Failing simile. I don't usually think of rocks as "chargin'" from a gate.
"I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow"
--Coldplay, Yellow
I always imagined this song as being sung from a first-grader to their teacher.
"Suckin' on a chili dog
Outside the Tasty Freeze"
--John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack and Diane
Has Mr. J. Cougar Mellencamp ever eaten a chili dog? I don't think it makes for good suckin' material.
“Is that yo ass, or yo momma half reindeer?”
-- Nelly, Shake Ya Tailfeather
And I'm out.
My Colleagues
My colleagues revel, in excessive negativity.
Putting others down, makes them feel good.
Your poem sucks.
This sucks.
I hate you forever and ever and ever.
Say my colleagues.
The Worst Story Ever Written (or University Entrance Exam)
Space-Captain John William Anderson pushed the hair out of his face, stepped off of his Nimbus SpeedCycle and took a quick look around the area. If there was going to be trouble, he thought, this is where it would happen. The rain poured down hard on them both, making loud patta-patta-patta sounds against the hard concrete.
“That’s onomatopoeia.” he yelled behind him at his companion, remembering what he had learned from his wise-old ninja master. “After all this rising action, we must be approaching the climax soon.”
A rustling could be heard down a dark alley. John William Anderson reached for his laser-crossbow and set it to Level 24. Danger was lurking here.
“Wait here. I’ll check this out.” he said, slowly walking in the direction of the noise.
The rain poured harder and it was getting tough to see. He put on his night-vision glasses and set them to night-vision mode, illuminating the alleyway a little more. Still nothing. He ventured a little deeper.
He thought he heard something being whispered up ahead. Confused and uncertain, he kept walking forward down the dark alley. Garbage cans littered the red-bricked alley walls (pun not intended). Suddenly he heard yelling behind him.
“Watch out!” cried Maria Spanks.
He turned around: this was no hyperbole! He totally could’ve easily taken down one or two, but three Velociraptors were just too many to stop.
“Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!”
Carson Career Centre
Dear Sir,
Congratulations on making the wise decision of submitting your resume to the Carson Career Centre. By taking the time to improve the quality of your resume, you’re proactively improving your odds of success in competitive labour market. An expert analyst has reviewed your resume and suggests the following comments, included below:
- Ugh, another one of these goddamn things. Did you even design it yourself, or did you just grab a pre-made one off the internet, or worse, Microsoft Office. Unimaginative little shits.
- Ooooh, look at you Mr. “M.A Pending”. My next shit is pending too. Do you have one of those little sheets of paper that say Master of Arts on it? No? Haven’t got one of those? I’ve got seven. Shut the fuck up.
- “Responsible for falicitating meetings--” Do you mean facilitating, moron? My god, what do they teach you asshats in school? We live in a world of spell-checking and hand-holding and you can’t even spell facilitating? I’m going to drop-kick your mother.
- You do not get to call yourself an expert user of Excel unless you regularly program in it using VBA. Shampoo this fucking resume clean of your filth.
- Why is it that you and every other idiot with a cell-phone camera lists travel and photography as their hobbies? Nobody’s buying it. Your hobbies are quite obviously Xbox and taking advantage of women with low self-esteem.
- That’s it. I can’t look at any more of this. I’ve never even met you and I already hate you. You fail. You fail at life. I’m going to go out, have a smoke, and when I get back this shit-on-paper had better be removed from my desk.
Once again, thank you for submitting your resume to the Career Centre!
Kindest regards,
Christine Bradley
Carson Career Centre President
The history of my searches on Wikipedia over the period of one (1) hour, between 9:30 am and 10:30 am, categorized alphabetically.
Achillobator
Acrylonitrile butadiene styrene
Assassins (musical)
Biological issues in Jurassic Park
Blackstar (spaceplane)
Bushido
Carnosaur
Catalan number
Damascus
Deinonychus
Dilophosaurus
Dimitry Medvedev
Doogie Howser, M.D.
Feral Children
Filial Piety
Gamma-ray Large Area Space Telescope
History of Lego
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IV
Kiddicraft Self-Locking Building Bricks
Lego Knockoffs
List of characters in Jurassic Park
Magnificent Seven
Micro black hole
Microraptor
Narayana number
Neil Patrick Harris
NPH
Nuestros Pequeños Hermanos
Pascal's triangle
Plane faults
Primordial black hole
Raptor Red
Ronin
Samurai
Seven Samurai
Spinosaurus
Turok: Battle of the Bionosaurs
Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
Utahraptor
Bonus points if you can find the connections.
Sex And The City Summarized in 172 Words
(A tribute to the genius of Rod Hilton)
EXT. A fancy Manhattan restaurant
INT. SARAH JESSICA PARKER and CHRIS NOTH are sitting at a candlelit table.
CHRIS NOTH is wearing a ten-thousand dollar suit, because in New York, all businessmen wear expensive black suits. This is ACCURATE and not at all evidence that DARREN STAR is OUT OF TOUCH with his subject material. CHRIS NOTH’s character is played entirely ONE-DIMENSIONALLY, apparently this is THIRD-WAVE FEMINISM.
Thank you for taking me out, you businessman you!
CHRIS NOTH
Wait, I don’t even get a name?!?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Oh, that’s right…um…you’re all into business and stuff, right?
CHRIS NOTH
I’m the Director of Procurement for the Greater New York Hospital Association….
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
You’re so cute with all your business and stuff. We’ll call you Mr. Big!
CHRIS NOTH
….
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Mr. Big! Mr. Big!
CHRIS NOTH:
You’ve got to be kidding me, right?
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Let’s have sex and then I’ll go buy lots of things that I don’t need!
AUDIENCE
Truly, the times are changing.
Graduated Levels of Water Purity
- Hobo-Water
- Urban Tap-Water
- Rural Well-Water
- Bottled Water
- Filtered Tap-Water in a Nalgene
- Filtered Tap-Water in a Metal Container
- Holy Water in a Jug
- Holy Water in a Nalgene
- Holy Water in a Metal Container
- Bono’s Spit
- Amazon Rainwater
- Unicorn Tears
Conversations with Jeremy Irons
Casting Director: “Mr. Irons, we’re starting work on a film you might be interested in.”
Jeremy Irons (dramatically): “Is there a dragon in it?”
Casting Director: “Um, no…no dragons. The concept is a re-imagi—”
Jeremy Irons (dramatically): “Will there be magic?”
Casting Director: “If you’ll let me finish. No, there’s no magic. The concept is a re-imagining of Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. You’d be play—”
Jeremy Irons (dramatically): “A wizard? A mage? A warlock perhaps?”
Casting Director: “…you’d be playing Crusoe, who finds himself shipwrecked on an island in the—”
Jeremy Irons: “I’ll do it...”
Casting Director: “Huh?”
Jeremy Irons: “On the condition that the writers include a Wyvern’s Nest on the island as well.”
Casting Director: “Huh? What the fuck is a Wy—goddamn it, is that some kind of dragon?”
Jeremy Irons (dramatically): “The Wyvern is a proud and highly intelligent fire-breathing species of dragon which maintains a telepathic bond with its riders, formed by the mental impressions they receive at the time they hatch from their eggs.”
Casting Director: “It’s Robinson-fucking-Crusoe, Mr. Irons. There will be no dragons, magic or twelve-sided dice. Are you even listening to me?”
Jeremy Irons : "I'd prefer if the Wyvern could speak, too."
Casting Director: “What the fuck would a dragon have to say?”
Jeremy Irons: “He'd say that I should have been tapped for one of those Lord of the Rings movies, or Harry Potter, or something."
Casting Director: "I hate you people."
A Tale of Two Cities as told by 15-year olds in an online chatroom
*[Darnay8====>] has entered the chatroom*
[Darnay8====>] : wat up peeps?
dfarge69: im gonna kill you fag
[Darnay8====>] : ?
[Darnay8====>] : huh?
[Darnay8====>] : why?
[Darnay8====>] : hello?
dfarge69: yer a fuckin evrémonde, dats why
[Darnay8====>] : so?
dfarge69: stfu marquis pig
[Darnay8====>] : w/e
*[Darnay8====>] has left the chatroom*
*SidCarton has changed his name to [Darnay8====>]*
[Darnay8====>] : okay, lets do this….:-(
The Importance of Punctuation
RCMP fully supports Taser death-probes: commissioner.Unlikely Morals to Stories
- The establishment loves you and wants you to be happy.
- You will be punished for your kindness.
- This could have all been prevented if we simply listened to each other less.
- Don't mess with dad when he's drunk.
- Plants are highly intelligent, but can only feel pain.
- Your class, grace and politness is directly responsible for troop surges in Iraq
Books That Our Children Will Never Read
I. Chang, “The Rape of Nanking” (1997)
depicts disturbing and graphic scenes of sexual violence against the capital-city of China.
W. Shakespeare, “Twelfth Night” (1623)
potential to be utilized as an alternative lifestyle instruction manual
A. Coulter, “How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter” (2004)
relevance questionable after Coulter’s death in the Great Buffalo Stampede of 2015.
Itinerary for the most Awesome Wedding in History
Saturday Morning
8:00 am – Prepare for arrival of spotlights.
9:00 am – Carving of altar and pews in ice begins.
Saturday Evening (Antarctic)
3:00 pm - 3:30 pm - Chefs and ingredients for reception dinner airdropped from various locations.
4:00 pm - Guests begin to arrive, are entertained by unscripted awkwardness of Ricky Gervais.
6:05 pm – CV-22 Osprey at 10,000 feet.
6:09 pm – Hardcore speed-metal band starts playing thrash guitar.
6:10 pm – Bride and groom jump out of aircraft on the backs of two armour-plated polar bears.
6:10-6:13 pm – Freefall. Custom parachutes are opened. Bears and passengers land safely on iceberg.
6:13 pm – Polar bears run down red carpet to designated places. Bride and groom hop off.
6:15 pm – Secular minister begins ceremony.
6:40 pm – Exchange of vows in English, read by Kenneth Branagh. Penguin sacrificial altar.
6:50 pm – Bride and groom kiss. Queue fireworks. Metal band cues up again.
7:00 pm – 40-Billion Candlepower Spotlights turned on. Queue Val Kilmer’s microphone – “Miracle three.”
7:02 pm – Bride, groom, bears, wedding party and guests exit to parked cruise ship as iceberg melts around spotlights.
7:30 pm – Wedding photos, both traditional and avant-garde.
8:00 pm – Reception begins. Gold commemorative statue unveiled. Aerosmith, Run DMC and London Philharmonic Orchestra begin their musical acts.
9:00 pm - Comedic toasts from the wedding party commence. Laughter assured.
12:00 pm – Violin orchestra assembled in honeymoon sweet.
12:40 pm – Bride and groom exit reception.
1:00 am – Epic consummation ceremony documented by Sofia Coppola.
Sunday
10:00 am – Fireworks end.
Office Birthday/Baby Shower/Retirement Party Scoreboard
1 point if you’ve never met the person being celebrated.
1 point for every empty chair.
1 point every time somebody is described as “impossible to replace”.
1 points every time somebody comments on the tastiness of a piece of cake.
1 point for every time a string of inane comments is punctuated by nervous laughter.
1 point every time somebody references coming back into the office when supposed to be on-leave/retired.
1 point for every person staring at their food or the floor while seated.
2 points for every person sitting with two empty seats either side.
2 points every time somebody references golf or home renovations.
2 points for every speech given by a manager or boss.
3 points if the person being celebrated has to be introduced to everyone.
3 points every time somebody makes a pun involving their work, or place of work.
3 points every time somebody asks who will be the next employee to have a birthday//baby shower/retirement.
My last office party scored 18 points!
Posts
